001 ♐ Voice ♐ I don't believe illusions 'cause too much is real

[codename_duchess]

[The communicator clicks on and catches the sounds of violent coughing and desperate gasps for breath, which swiftly turns into equally loud and violent shouting.] Ha ha, guys, great joke! Let Archer inhale water then dump his semiconscious body in this new place called the Middle of Nowhere while we wait for him to call for an extraction, because that’s really freaking funny! You know what else would’ve been hilarious? TAKING ME TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL!

Seriously, I’ve got water in my ears. Do you know how annoying that is? It’s like having a piece of coral stuck in your scuba flipper, which I wouldn’t know anything about because you three took all the gear. Dammit, Lana! I did not skipper a submersible down to the bottom of the freaking ocean to be abandoned like a redheaded stepchild!

Oh hey, speaking of, is this one of Mother’s training exercises? Because great timing, this is classic her. Sure, her only child could use some help getting seawater out of his lungs, but let’s toss him out in a survival scenario instead, that’ll accomplish WAY more!

[There is a beat wherein the speaker appears to reconsider, and when he continues his voice is bewildered instead of angry.]

Where the hell am I, anyway? Helloooo, idiots?

Comments

[hellofleshyones]

Exactly zero of my processing coils care if you beat up criminals or not. If anything their becoming meat pulp would be quite pleasing to me. Particularly the police ones.

I am assuming that is supposed to have some kind of meaning. If you are referring to your warden I am pleased to inform you that you have no choice or voice in the selection. It appears to be at random.

[codename_duchess]

And how many of your processing coils care if I kick your metal ass? It wouldn’t take more than a Sawzall to turn you into a pile of dials and wires.

Fine, bring on the goddamn warden. I can handle them.

[hellofleshyones]

Provided I do not reduce you to a sticky puddle of goo first. I can repair myself. Can you?

[codename_duchess]

Yeah, I've got these new things called platelets, have you heard of them?

[hellofleshyones]

And I am equipped with nanites and self-sealing lines. I do not see how that comes close to comparing, particularly when all of your internal meat sacks are reduced to the type of meat you consume and your structural integrity is nonexistent.

[codename_duchess]

So we're dealing with a cannibal robot Tommy Wiseau. Is this Hell?

[hellofleshyones]

...you are suggesting I consume other robots?

You are evidently neurologically defective if that is the message you interpreted.