001 ♐ Voice ♐ I don't believe illusions 'cause too much is real

[codename_duchess]

[The communicator clicks on and catches the sounds of violent coughing and desperate gasps for breath, which swiftly turns into equally loud and violent shouting.] Ha ha, guys, great joke! Let Archer inhale water then dump his semiconscious body in this new place called the Middle of Nowhere while we wait for him to call for an extraction, because that’s really freaking funny! You know what else would’ve been hilarious? TAKING ME TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL!

Seriously, I’ve got water in my ears. Do you know how annoying that is? It’s like having a piece of coral stuck in your scuba flipper, which I wouldn’t know anything about because you three took all the gear. Dammit, Lana! I did not skipper a submersible down to the bottom of the freaking ocean to be abandoned like a redheaded stepchild!

Oh hey, speaking of, is this one of Mother’s training exercises? Because great timing, this is classic her. Sure, her only child could use some help getting seawater out of his lungs, but let’s toss him out in a survival scenario instead, that’ll accomplish WAY more!

[There is a beat wherein the speaker appears to reconsider, and when he continues his voice is bewildered instead of angry.]

Where the hell am I, anyway? Helloooo, idiots?

Comments

[hellofleshyones]

Somewhere out in the expanse of space inside a cruise ship outfitted for intergalactic travel. I have attempted to calculate the exact co-ordinates however it is frustratingly difficult with my capabilities dampened.

[You wanted the literal answer, right? Whatever. He's giving it to you anyway.

And then he tilts his head to evaluate; there's a quiet whirr that might be background noise but just as easily might not be. He's analyzing.]

Do you wish for the truthful answer or one which would be designed to spare your idiot fleshy feelings?

[codename_duchess]

Aw shit, I'm in space? Why the hell am I in space with cyborgs again?

Give me the real answer, gears for brains.

[hellofleshyones]

I am not a cyborg, meatsack. I contain no squishy hoo-man parts. I am one hundred percent machine.

[He taps his chestplate as emphasis. It thunks in a way he seems to find particularly pleasing, if the way he grins is any indication.

...it's not a very pleasant or comforting grin, closer to a cross between a smirk and what some probably predatory alien race might think a grin looks like after watching a serial killer convention for a week.

It's honestly better than one of his other brothers. At least he doesn't have sharp teeth.]

You are on an interdimensional transport vessel tasked with the rehabilitation of a number of individuals deemed morally deficient in some way. You are most likely dead. There is no escape so it is useless to attempt one.

[codename_duchess]

Oh great! So I'm stuck in space with a robot who learned all his human emotions from Tommy Wiseau, but I'm dead in space jail?

...Actually, space jail sounds kind of cool. Do I get to beat up criminals?

Seriously, if I'm dead, I don't want James Mason this time. Give me Sigourney Weaver instead. Ooh! Or Burt Reynolds. I bet we'd be way better friends now that he dumped my mother.

[bitteraftertaste]

It seems like Mr. Stack's already answered your question, but I thought it might be worth mentioning that calling everyone idiots isn't exactly an endearing quality.

[codename_duchess]

Yeah, well, basically everyone at ISIS is an idiot except me. Not saying it won't make it less true.

[bitteraftertaste]

Then you'll be happy to hear that - to the best of my knowledge - you're the only member of ISIS currently on board.

[codename_duchess]

Which automatically makes me agent in command! Yes!

Which reminds me, Sterling Archer, ISIS agent. [And cue the charm.] And besides beautiful, you are?

[indispensible]

[This is far and away the weirdest. Anything. Ever. What even.]

There's an infirmary. [Dude, you are so loud.]

[codename_duchess]

Thank you! Finally, a useful cyborg!

[indispensible]

A what?

[codename_duchess]

Robot, then, whatever.

[surrenders]

Don't think you're talking to who you think you are.

[codename_duchess]

Yeah, I caught that by now. We got it a couple of lines ago.

[surrenders]

Good. It... some people it takes a while.

How much you think you got by now?

[codename_duchess]

I know I'm on a space jail cruise ship and I'm the ISIS agent in command. What I don't know, gorgeous, is where we're going or how I get home.

[lastrat]

[Ping, extraction.]

For a man whose lungs ought to be full of seawater, you're rather talkative.

[codename_duchess]

Did you not hear me coughing it up? I'd do it again but. It was pretty disgusting.

[lastrat]

Yes, it was. [Gross, man.]

Though I've found that reconnaissance serves better than asking.

video;

[notdreaming]

You're on the barge. Do you need help getting to the infirmary?

video;

[codename_duchess]

Uh... [Well hello there, gorgeous blonde!] Yeah, yeah I do. I have no clue what level I'm on.

video;

[notdreaming]

Oh. [ Well that's kind of a problem. ]

Well... I guess I can check each floor and see where you are. If you can walk alright the infirmary is on the top floor.

[text]

[routemistress]

hello Agent Archer. Iris Wildthyme, transtemporal adventuress, warden, MIAOW scientific adviser, intergalactic pocket billiards champion, righter of wrongs and occasional wronger of rights. I think I'm going to like you, but I'll need a raincheck on the part where we get to know each other till I'm done foiling an attempted mindcontrol plot you showed up in the middle of.

try not to get killed in the meantime and I might let you join me for celebratory drinks after xxxxxxxx

[text]

[codename_duchess]

Ms. Wildthyme, you sound like my kind of woman. (What's MIAOW?)

Try taking out the microchip and putting it into a rabbit. That worked for me.

Don't worry, it takes a lot more than showing up in a prison to kill me.

Re: [text]

[routemistress]

ministry for incursions and alien ontological wonders. familiarly known as "the pussy parlour" to the other agencies. can't imagine who might've coined that one.

damn, and me without a rabbit on hand. I'm going to need a bigger hat.

later bb <3 <3