001 ♐ Voice ♐ I don't believe illusions 'cause too much is real

[codename_duchess]

[The communicator clicks on and catches the sounds of violent coughing and desperate gasps for breath, which swiftly turns into equally loud and violent shouting.] Ha ha, guys, great joke! Let Archer inhale water then dump his semiconscious body in this new place called the Middle of Nowhere while we wait for him to call for an extraction, because that’s really freaking funny! You know what else would’ve been hilarious? TAKING ME TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL!

Seriously, I’ve got water in my ears. Do you know how annoying that is? It’s like having a piece of coral stuck in your scuba flipper, which I wouldn’t know anything about because you three took all the gear. Dammit, Lana! I did not skipper a submersible down to the bottom of the freaking ocean to be abandoned like a redheaded stepchild!

Oh hey, speaking of, is this one of Mother’s training exercises? Because great timing, this is classic her. Sure, her only child could use some help getting seawater out of his lungs, but let’s toss him out in a survival scenario instead, that’ll accomplish WAY more!

[There is a beat wherein the speaker appears to reconsider, and when he continues his voice is bewildered instead of angry.]

Where the hell am I, anyway? Helloooo, idiots?

Comments

[codename_duchess]

That's exactly what a robot would say.

Okay. Get a magnet and throw it up in the air. If it doesn't stick to you, you're not a robot. Unless you're one made of a non-magnetic alloy, which considering the rarity and this economy, is, let's face it, unlikely.

No offense.

[indispensible]

No.

[Just no.]

Do robots bleed?

[codename_duchess]

No, but they can leak hydraulic fluid.

[indispensible]

[She cuts the video feed on, pulls a glass dagger out of her sleeve, slices a line down the middle of her palm, and displays it for the camera. That is blood, Sterling, and not hydraulic fluid.]

[codename_duchess]

... oooookay. So you're human, and really, really scary.

[indispensible]

[Back to voice. Smug, smug voice.]

That's right.

Did you find the way to the infirmary yet, or do you need a map?

[codename_duchess]

Off the pillar, Smugsy, I meant messed-up.

Well let's see. I'm pretty sure last time I checked I wasn't blue, German, and covered in fur with a prehensile tail, therefore capable of teleporting.

In short, no, I haven't magically jumped into the infirmary. You want to tell me where it is or what?

[indispensible]

I know what you meant.

[This reference means less than nothing.] Level two.

[codename_duchess]

Was that so hard? Christ.

[indispensible]

Talking with you in general is very difficult. Do people often mislead you for fun?

[codename_duchess]

Um, duh and/or hello? [Besides working in a spy agency, he grew up with Malory as a mother, whose idea of good parenting included telling her son nothing.]

[indispensible]

Which?

[codename_duchess]

It's up for interpretation. That's what the and/or indicates.

[indispensible]

Then you obviously have no idea what you're talking about. You must be very injured.

[codename_duchess]

Or maybe you just haven't been keeping up!