001 ♐ Voice ♐ I don't believe illusions 'cause too much is real

[codename_duchess]

[The communicator clicks on and catches the sounds of violent coughing and desperate gasps for breath, which swiftly turns into equally loud and violent shouting.] Ha ha, guys, great joke! Let Archer inhale water then dump his semiconscious body in this new place called the Middle of Nowhere while we wait for him to call for an extraction, because that’s really freaking funny! You know what else would’ve been hilarious? TAKING ME TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL!

Seriously, I’ve got water in my ears. Do you know how annoying that is? It’s like having a piece of coral stuck in your scuba flipper, which I wouldn’t know anything about because you three took all the gear. Dammit, Lana! I did not skipper a submersible down to the bottom of the freaking ocean to be abandoned like a redheaded stepchild!

Oh hey, speaking of, is this one of Mother’s training exercises? Because great timing, this is classic her. Sure, her only child could use some help getting seawater out of his lungs, but let’s toss him out in a survival scenario instead, that’ll accomplish WAY more!

[There is a beat wherein the speaker appears to reconsider, and when he continues his voice is bewildered instead of angry.]

Where the hell am I, anyway? Helloooo, idiots?

Comments

[hellofleshyones]

Somewhere out in the expanse of space inside a cruise ship outfitted for intergalactic travel. I have attempted to calculate the exact co-ordinates however it is frustratingly difficult with my capabilities dampened.

[You wanted the literal answer, right? Whatever. He's giving it to you anyway.

And then he tilts his head to evaluate; there's a quiet whirr that might be background noise but just as easily might not be. He's analyzing.]

Do you wish for the truthful answer or one which would be designed to spare your idiot fleshy feelings?

[bitteraftertaste]

It seems like Mr. Stack's already answered your question, but I thought it might be worth mentioning that calling everyone idiots isn't exactly an endearing quality.

[indispensible]

[This is far and away the weirdest. Anything. Ever. What even.]

There's an infirmary. [Dude, you are so loud.]

[surrenders]

Don't think you're talking to who you think you are.

[lastrat]

[Ping, extraction.]

For a man whose lungs ought to be full of seawater, you're rather talkative.

video;

[notdreaming]

You're on the barge. Do you need help getting to the infirmary?

[text]

[routemistress]

hello Agent Archer. Iris Wildthyme, transtemporal adventuress, warden, MIAOW scientific adviser, intergalactic pocket billiards champion, righter of wrongs and occasional wronger of rights. I think I'm going to like you, but I'll need a raincheck on the part where we get to know each other till I'm done foiling an attempted mindcontrol plot you showed up in the middle of.

try not to get killed in the meantime and I might let you join me for celebratory drinks after xxxxxxxx