008 ♐ Video ♐ If you don't answer I'll just ring it off the wall

[codename_duchess]

Oh my God, it's like one of those random video chat sites. Any moment now, some dude in a trailer park is going to pop up -- phrasing, boom -- and start jacking off.

Hey. So, Sterling Archer here, ISIS agent, checking in from the worst way station. Anyone out there? Who is preferably not an idiot from work? Before replying, please check that you are A. Interesting. B. Hot, C. Funny, or D. All of the above.

And before you ask, no, this is not a voicemail. …Videomail. Shit, video answering service? Whatever you call it, it's not one of those.

Comments

[codename_duchess]

Jokes about whether or not I screw underage girls? Which, A. why, and B. really really not cool.

[There's an awkward pause, and then, he continues in private:]

She kind of only let up when she found out we had some shit in common. The kind of shit I don't want to talk about.

[ichoosefight]

[ The comment about underage girls is enough to make her wince. The rest, she finally resorts to dropping her head onto the giant keyboard that likes to pretend it's a desk. ]

Dammit. I'm sorry. I mean, I know I can't really apologize for her, but still.

[codename_duchess]

Well you should -- wait, should you be? She was the one being an asshole.

[Not, of course, that he wasn't; and not that he doesn't understand why she was acting like that. He did the same thing at her age (and many ages beyond). Archer's not quite condemning her, though he's still irritated she accidentally touched a fresh wound.]

[ichoosefight]

I dunno. I feel responsible. After what happened, I kinda let everyone think I was dead. For a year. And I spent so much time trying to make up for everything that went wrong that I only made things worse.

I imagine she's doing the same thing. Only, you know, being actually dead.

[codename_duchess]

So? That's what you do when shit happens. Leave and let everyone think you died or vanished.

[ichoosefight]

[ ... ]

You... don't really care much about how your friends feel, do you.

[codename_duchess]

How who feels?

[ichoosefight]

The people who care about you. The people who would mourn for you. The people who's lives would never really be the same again if you died.

[codename_duchess]

Yeah. Um, I really don't have time to worry about how imaginary people feel.

[ichoosefight]

Oh.

[ Well. Now she just feels bad. She would say there has to be someone, but she's been on the barge. She knows there are people who really, truly don't have anyone. ]

Then I guess... I'm sorry because I know how much pain she's in right now, and I know she would be sorry if she wasn't hurting so much.

[codename_duchess]

[Well, there's Lana, and that friendship also involves hurtful insults and shooting Archer three times. And there was Luke Troy, the one responsible for Archer's new sensitivity about assault jokes.]

So... are you saying this was about her?

[ichoosefight]

Let me put it this way: When my dad died and I wanted to talk to someone who knew him, I ended up beating the Riddler to a bloody pulp. Sometimes the thought to action filter gets a little bit borked.

[codename_duchess]

What are you talking about? That's totally normal! Everyone ends up beating the shit out of someone when they're hurt!

[ichoosefight]

That's not normal, and it's not healthy. For you or the person you're beating up. Trust me, this is why Batman is so socially incompetent with the people he cares about. It's a bad sign.

[codename_duchess]

He doesn't have to be socially competent! He's Batman!

[ichoosefight]

Hi! I'm Batgirl. [ She waves a hand sarcastically. ]

I do everything Batman does, I have friends, small children are not afraid of me, and to my knowledge I have never made anyone cry accidentally.

[codename_duchess]

Whatever. Batgirl and Robin and all you guys, you're supposed to be the nice ones. You and Superman. Batman doesn't have to be nice, he just has to kick ass and take names.

[ichoosefight]

Batman being an ass nearly got me killed. Apparently it did get a version of me killed. I promise you, it does not help him kick ass and take names. Hell, I'd say his successor does a better job than the original, just by cracking a smile every now and then.