008 ♐ Video ♐ If you don't answer I'll just ring it off the wall

[codename_duchess]

Oh my God, it's like one of those random video chat sites. Any moment now, some dude in a trailer park is going to pop up -- phrasing, boom -- and start jacking off.

Hey. So, Sterling Archer here, ISIS agent, checking in from the worst way station. Anyone out there? Who is preferably not an idiot from work? Before replying, please check that you are A. Interesting. B. Hot, C. Funny, or D. All of the above.

And before you ask, no, this is not a voicemail. …Videomail. Shit, video answering service? Whatever you call it, it's not one of those.

Comments

Big Steph

[ichoosefight]

Hard as it is to use that checklist on myself, I'm pretty sure I qualify. I mean, I have to hit at least one of those even if you don't like puns , right?

[codename_duchess]

I wasn't even talking to you! You live here!

And you could've tried leading with the puns the first time. Now it's a little late.

[ichoosefight]

What are you talking about? I moved out months ago. Unless you somehow managed to accidentally stumble onto this feed from someplace inn Gotham, which I'm at least 99% sure is literally impossible. You are on the barge, aren't you?

[codename_duchess]

Yes! I am! And so are you. You made that perfectly clear when you were arguing with me. Like, a matter of weeks ago, remember?

[couldnotstopfordeath]

I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you on the jacking off score, Agent Archer. Though I daresay some of the idiots from my work would oblige, if you asked nicely.

Where would you be calling from, exactly? Only that's definitely not the ISIS extension.

[codename_duchess]

I told you, the worst way station! It's like some limbo universe in a boat filled with crazy people! Why do you have ISIS's number? Who the hell are you?

[couldnotstopfordeath]

[The sweetest smile.]

I could tell you, but then I'd have to wipe your memory and kill you. Just enjoy the moment, Agent Archer. Tell me about this boat?

[codename_duchess]

Okay, wipe my memory you could maybe do. Killing me? Good luck.

What about it? It's a boat. A magic spaceboat filled with crazy people.

[umgekehrt]

All of the above.

[Have a smile that makes strong man cringe and a face like a crumbling cement wall.]

I'd have remembered a face like yours. The barge's time must be nearly even with mine this time.

[codename_duchess]

[Archer is a strong man, and he does indeed cringe.] You... sure about that?

And I take it you used to live here.

[97percent]

[The face on-screen startles, hands flying off her keyboard in the middle of work, and leans in to gape at the message. She hisses urgently over her shoulder to an unknown third party.]

I think we have a virus, Mma.

And what are you doing in our confidential files?

[codename_duchess]

Oh, for -- I am not a virus!

And I don't know, lady, I have no clue who you are!

[97percent]

[She opens her mouth for a retort, but pauses for a moment, stewing, clearly waiting for somebody who doesn't appear behind her.]

You- of course, you wouldn't. [She knows one white man in the entire country, a man with thirty years on her intruder.]

And if you're from the dating site, we no longer need your services. We found the husband we were looking for. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

[codename_duchess]

What, are you kidding? Sterling Archer does not need to use dating websites. Seriously offended you even thought that.

[madeofplants]

What... is the purpose... of this message?

[ The lump of plant mass speaks with a voice like a tree, slow and creaking. ]

[codename_duchess]

Oh my God.

Holy shit.

Are you who I think you are, or are you a baby Ent?

[madeofplants]

I am... no Ent. I do not know... who you think... I am.

[codename_duchess]

Are you sure? Maybe you're like a neo-Ent specially adapted to a semi-aquatic environment! Except - wait, no, we'd probably have to stick you in an Entmoot to see if you fit in. And that'd take years. So.

[this_corrosion]

All of the above!

Not going to jack off for you, sorry to disappoint.

[codename_duchess]

Can I get a chick in here to measure hotness? The rest of the stuff I'll decide for myself.

[this_corrosion]

Oh, I can probably get one.

[He leans back, yells for someone not visible on the screen.]

Hey, Trisha!

[Distantly, a female voice can be heard telling him to fuck off. Gary doesn't look at all discouraged.]

Think she's mad at me. Can't remember why.

[anythingiwant]

[What an idiot.]

Y'know you're just beggin' ta get harrassed like that.

[codename_duchess]

And you're just begging for shut the fuck up Rogue.

[anythingiwant]

[Oh no, you did not just talk to her daughter that way. Shut up. Mystique is not required to make sense when she's snooping into her kid's life.]

Watch yer mouth.

[That is indeed a narrow-eyed threat.]

[codename_duchess]

[Mystique, Archer talks to everyone that way. Especially Rogue. And even you.]

Or what? You'll gag me?