codename_duchess | 008 ♐ Video ♐ If you don't answer I'll just ring it off the wall

Oh my God, it's like one of those random video chat sites. Any moment now, some dude in a trailer park is going to pop up -- phrasing, boom -- and start jacking off.

Hey. So, Sterling Archer here, ISIS agent, checking in from the worst way station. Anyone out there? Who is preferably not an idiot from work? Before replying, please check that you are A. Interesting. B. Hot, C. Funny, or D. All of the above.

And before you ask, no, this is not a voicemail. …Videomail. Shit, video answering service? Whatever you call it, it's not one of those.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

ichoosefight

Hard as it is to use that checklist on myself, I'm pretty sure I qualify. I mean, I have to hit at least one of those even if you don't like puns , right?

Edited Date: 2014-01-09 04:53 pm (UTC)

From:

codename_duchess

I wasn't even talking to you! You live here!

And you could've tried leading with the puns the first time. Now it's a little late.

From:

ichoosefight

What are you talking about? I moved out months ago. Unless you somehow managed to accidentally stumble onto this feed from someplace inn Gotham, which I'm at least 99% sure is literally impossible. You are on the barge, aren't you?

From:

codename_duchess

Yes! I am! And so are you. You made that perfectly clear when you were arguing with me. Like, a matter of weeks ago, remember?

From:

ichoosefight

[ ... ]

Oh my god. It's finally happened. There's an alternate universe me. Score! [ Insert fist pump here. ]

Wait, why were you arguing?

From:

codename_duchess

Seriously? Prove it. Prove you're somewhere else right now.

Because you said I wanted to bang you! And you're a kid and you're teeny and just -- no. Ew.

From:

ichoosefight

[ She presses a few buttons, zooms out the camera to reveal Batgirl HQ, a nice, clean, white tiled room underground that holds all of her badass gear. It also reveals that Steph herself is wearing the Batgirl suit, albeit without mask, cape or gloves.

There's a purple mini car behind her, and when the camera tilts there's also a garage door. It opens, the floor rises, and the tiniest bit of sun shines through. A moment later she closes it and the camera is pointed straight again. ]

I'm twenty-one, and married. How old is this other me, exactly?

Edited Date: 2014-01-09 05:34 pm (UTC)

From:

codename_duchess

...okay, they don't let me have a car here so I'm assuming you really are at home.

You're seventeen and you're all messed up.

From:

ichoosefight

Seventeen?

[ That kind of makes sense, she had a baby not too long ago, and things have been weird at schoo--- ]

Oh god. She's not... Is she an inmate?

[ Then there was that other thing that happened when she was seventeen. ]

Edited Date: 2014-01-09 08:28 pm (UTC)

From:

codename_duchess

Duh. Oh shit! Does that mean wardens can have cars?

From:

ichoosefight

[ Ignoring the car question for a moment. Steph just needs to. Press her palms into her eyes for a moment. Process. ]

Christ. Okay. Wow. Does she have a warden? Because if she just went through what I think she just went through she really needs to not be alone right now. And preferably for the next several months.

From:

codename_duchess

I don't know. She has some guys who told me not to talk to her again.

From:

ichoosefight

In a "you're being a dick" sort of way, or in a protective way? Is Babs still there? Dean?

From:

codename_duchess

Christ, I don't know. In a "don't make her angry" way? Which was pretty weird considering we both said we didn't want to talk again.

There's someone named Dean here, yeah. I don't know a Babs.

From:

ichoosefight

Okay, okay. [ Deep breaths, Steph. ] Dean will take care of her. I'm sorry, this is weird for me even by barge standards. If she's like I was... well, let's just say she shouldn't be allowed to make any important decisions for a good while.

From:

codename_duchess

Great. Good for her. Glad she's got people. [Jealous? Of Steph having friends? Never.]

You should probably tell this stuff to them. I seriously doubt she'll be talking to me anytime soon.

From:

ichoosefight

What happened, anyway? I find it hard to believe anyone could be this worked up over what I have to assume was a lame attempt at a sex joke.

[ OKAY SO MAYBE SOMETIMES HER JOKES ARE LAME. SHE'S STILL FUNNY!!!! ]

From:

codename_duchess

Jokes about whether or not I screw underage girls? Which, A. why, and B. really really not cool.

[There's an awkward pause, and then, he continues in private:]

She kind of only let up when she found out we had some shit in common. The kind of shit I don't want to talk about.

From:

ichoosefight

[ The comment about underage girls is enough to make her wince. The rest, she finally resorts to dropping her head onto the giant keyboard that likes to pretend it's a desk. ]

Dammit. I'm sorry. I mean, I know I can't really apologize for her, but still.

From:

codename_duchess

Well you should -- wait, should you be? She was the one being an asshole.

[Not, of course, that he wasn't; and not that he doesn't understand why she was acting like that. He did the same thing at her age (and many ages beyond). Archer's not quite condemning her, though he's still irritated she accidentally touched a fresh wound.]

From:

ichoosefight

I dunno. I feel responsible. After what happened, I kinda let everyone think I was dead. For a year. And I spent so much time trying to make up for everything that went wrong that I only made things worse.

I imagine she's doing the same thing. Only, you know, being actually dead.