I swear I had something for this.

[Video]
[Archer is on the deck, ready for action in his slightly darker black turtleneck, and he looks really freaking annoyed.] I need a warden to let Kazak and me into the CES. [He turns the communicator to show the "Kazak" in question, a placid-looking St. Bernard approximately two-thirds Archer's size. The dog barks in greeting, jowls wobbling.] Anyone who's close will be good. And why the hell is that thing locked anyway? Are you guys super-worried about letting inmates out for a diabolical game of fetch? Or bringing their pets in to take a piss somewhere that isn't their carpet?

[CES spam]
[Archer is in a boggy swath of land bordered by cypress trees somewhere inspired by Louisiana, throwing a stick approximately the size and width of his own arm. Kazak bounds after it, wandering through the grass to pick it up and bring it back except for those times when he finds something more interesting to retrieve. A frog, perhaps, or a turtle sunning itself.

At one point an alligator lazily surfaces in the muddy water and Archer jumps and calls the dog back with approximately the same desperation as a mother pleading for her child to press their way out of a burning building.] KAZAK, NO! COME BACK RIGHT NOW! GET AWAY FROM THAT GODDAMN GATOR!

[Once the dog is safely returned he tosses the stick far in the opposite direction, toward the door.]

[This time, Barge, you do not get treated to the sight of Archer's face. This is because his recent coma just saw his initiation into another grand Barge tradition: being drawn on while passed out.]

Okay so that's not the first time I've spent a holiday passed out, but it still kind of sucks. At least I missed the community koombayah where everyone goes around saying what they're thankful for. Spoiler alert, nothing.

Are there still leftovers? Is the Wild Turkey gone?

If not, and if anyone needs me, I'll be in the spa and then Rogue's bathroom. With the door locked and the radio on. And the hot water running. For several hours.

Jesus, you guys are like a bunch of frat kids.

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?