I swear I had something for this.

[Backdated to earlier today]

[The first thing that's visible is a close-up of a bright blue cat's eye. It pulls back, showing that it belongs to a sleek, short-haired lilac-point Siamese. She looks distinctly unimpressed, aiming an unamused stare at the communicator before turning to speak.] You're on, Sterling.

Shut up. [Archer grabs the communicator and glares down at it. A few notes: he's dressed in Victorian clothing, a very fine waistcoat and cravat; he's speaking with an English accent; and he is uncharacteristically badly-groomed, all messy hair and rumpled sleeves. There's also the talking cat.] Is this a joke? Since you've somehow managed to abduct me here, the least you could do is make sure the accommodations are livable. Look!

[He pans the camera over his cabin, which is just as modern and fancy as it normally is. It just looks lived-in, bed unmade and clothes thrown on the floor, a few books and empty bottles on the tables.] See? Filthy! I've seen neater huts built by savages on primitive islands. If this place is meant to be so special, one would think there'd be staff.

Somebody get a maid in here. You don't want me to contact my mother.

[Archer's taken up his place at the bar again. It's not a video feed, but it's easy to tell from the clink of glass, the murmur of talk in the background, the occasional sound of liquid pouring, and Archer humming in approval. His third Green Russian of the afternoon's put him in a good mood.]

Mmm. Jesus, no wonder Pam uses heavy cream for these.

Okay, I know I come down really hard on you guys, and I think we all know why. Truth is, it kind of sucks here. Not anywhere near as much as it sucked in that other here, but it does. I mean, you go from being the world's greatest secret agent, knee-deep in money and women, to a freaking inmate in the world's most dysfunctional prison, and you see how freaking cooperative you are. Especially when they take away your booze.

[Sip.]

The truth is, though, some of you don't totally suck. Not naming any names, build up your self-esteem on your own time. But some of you are reasonably bearable, and.

Thank you, for that.

So now that we're sharing secret warm fuzzies, anyone who helps me get this keg out of here gets to hear what boy's name I doodle in my notebooks.

[OOC: It's the White Flag flood and Archer is affected, meaning he is slightly nicer and more emotionally honest than normal. As usual, the more liquor people pour into him the more he'll talk about his feelings, toward them or others! Get him really, really drunk, and he might talk about his feelings toward himself.]