I swear I had something for this.

[CW: mention of cancer]

For those of you who don’t know me, hi. Sterling Archer, ISIS top agent, world’s most dangerous spy. And if you don’t believe that ask Bond, since I beat the shit out of him. I’ve recovered nuclear material, assassinated enemy agents, fought arms dealers, space pirates, killer cyborgs, the Yakuza, North Korean terrorists, and the KGB. I’ve been poisoned, declared legally dead, beaten breast cancer, and been shot twenty-two times – all before I got on the Barge. Long story short, I am a huge badass.

My adventures on the Barge are pretty awesome too but I don’t need to tell you that. Chris, Rogue, and Morgana can do that for me – right, guys?

Anyway, chalk up another tally in the badass column: I, Sterling Archer, have beaten the Barge. [Check out his brand-spanking new shower stall and redwood Japanese soaking bath!] Check it out, dickwads, I graduated! And it only took me a couple months. …Several months. Less than a year. So I’m going to go home to keep kicking bad guys’ asses and also check in on Lana. Because she’s pregnant and that’s kind of a big deal.

…The point is, I’m badass.

Rogue, you promised me a goddamn cake.

Hey. Zero people -- you guys, the jackasses flipping cards and winning hands all night. Yeah, you.

One of you has my shoe.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for the other one, I can tell you you’re not getting it. If you give it back now, that’ll be the end of it. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will mess up all the shit you own.

Why're you guys all so freaked about this?

Seriously. This was MirrorBarge. As in mirror of the Barge. It's just us but worse, idiots. We know the MirrorBarge, we've been there, and except for some of you getting insomnia nothing bad carried over. It's like a fucking flood, you guys.

We got through it. We'll do it again. Especially if we can rack up some flamethrowers or something to make it more even.

[Archer's taken up his place at the bar again. It's not a video feed, but it's easy to tell from the clink of glass, the murmur of talk in the background, the occasional sound of liquid pouring, and Archer humming in approval. His third Green Russian of the afternoon's put him in a good mood.]

Mmm. Jesus, no wonder Pam uses heavy cream for these.

Okay, I know I come down really hard on you guys, and I think we all know why. Truth is, it kind of sucks here. Not anywhere near as much as it sucked in that other here, but it does. I mean, you go from being the world's greatest secret agent, knee-deep in money and women, to a freaking inmate in the world's most dysfunctional prison, and you see how freaking cooperative you are. Especially when they take away your booze.

[Sip.]

The truth is, though, some of you don't totally suck. Not naming any names, build up your self-esteem on your own time. But some of you are reasonably bearable, and.

Thank you, for that.

So now that we're sharing secret warm fuzzies, anyone who helps me get this keg out of here gets to hear what boy's name I doodle in my notebooks.

[OOC: It's the White Flag flood and Archer is affected, meaning he is slightly nicer and more emotionally honest than normal. As usual, the more liquor people pour into him the more he'll talk about his feelings, toward them or others! Get him really, really drunk, and he might talk about his feelings toward himself.]