codename_duchess | 020 ♐ Video ♐ Coming back from the edge of town underneath their feet

[CW: mention of cancer]

For those of you who don’t know me, hi. Sterling Archer, ISIS top agent, world’s most dangerous spy. And if you don’t believe that ask Bond, since I beat the shit out of him. I’ve recovered nuclear material, assassinated enemy agents, fought arms dealers, space pirates, killer cyborgs, the Yakuza, North Korean terrorists, and the KGB. I’ve been poisoned, declared legally dead, beaten breast cancer, and been shot twenty-two times – all before I got on the Barge. Long story short, I am a huge badass.

My adventures on the Barge are pretty awesome too but I don’t need to tell you that. Chris, Rogue, and Morgana can do that for me – right, guys?

Anyway, chalk up another tally in the badass column: I, Sterling Archer, have beaten the Barge. [Check out his brand-spanking new shower stall and redwood Japanese soaking bath!] Check it out, dickwads, I graduated! And it only took me a couple months. …Several months. Less than a year. So I’m going to go home to keep kicking bad guys’ asses and also check in on Lana. Because she’s pregnant and that’s kind of a big deal.

…The point is, I’m badass.

Rogue, you promised me a goddamn cake.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well, holy fucking shit. You did it faster than me, man.

Fuck.

That is because I'm the epitome of the quintessence of the embodiment of awesome.

So in other words, totally stupid and lucky.

Who's your warden? I should buy them a drink.

Well... yeah. That's how I do things.

Rogue. Who's your inmate? They can have some of my cake.

Slevin. I'm pretty sure he doesn't eat cake, so I'll take his piece too.

You're gonna be one of us, you think? Or is this a for-real goodbye?

You can have two pieces and he can have a piece of his own. Or give it to you or someone else.

Pssh, no. Why would I do the warden thing? Like there's anything I could get that I don't already have.

I would love two pieces. Fuck yeah.

How about a new mom? That would work. Although you might fuck up the time stream.

I have one, asshole! A shitty one. Why would I need another mom?

Because maybe you want one that's not so shitty, I don't know! God, I'm trying to make you stay, genius!

Oh.

Why?

Because you're my friend, you goddamn idiot. Duh.

Is this because of the Paddington thing?

The fucking bears? What do they have to do with it?

You know, saving you and shit?

What, you think I want you to stay because I owe you?

Jesus, who do you think I am? Sir Equilibrium of the Balanced-lever Table? No, idiot. That's why you like me, isn't it?

I liked you before the bear thing!

Really?

Fuck yeah, dick-for-brains!

[While he's definitely liked quite a few people from the Barge, Chris being one of them, Archer's still surprised when it's mutual.] Oh.

Cool. Well... Glad we're friends.

But Lana's my friend too, and she's having a baby and I kind of want to be around for that.

...Your baby?

No, it's her baby. And some other dude's, but not Cyril's which is, to me, a huge relief. Those genes don't need to be passed on.

Wow.

So you gonna be the godfather? You better lock that shit down early.

If I could lock that shit down I would've done it already.

Maybe she'll let me be the godfather. I don't know. It'll probably be Ray.

Fuck Ray. Who's gonna teach the kid how to tell the good bourbon from the shit?

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