001 ♐ Voice ♐ I don't believe illusions 'cause too much is real

[codename_duchess]

[The communicator clicks on and catches the sounds of violent coughing and desperate gasps for breath, which swiftly turns into equally loud and violent shouting.] Ha ha, guys, great joke! Let Archer inhale water then dump his semiconscious body in this new place called the Middle of Nowhere while we wait for him to call for an extraction, because that’s really freaking funny! You know what else would’ve been hilarious? TAKING ME TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL!

Seriously, I’ve got water in my ears. Do you know how annoying that is? It’s like having a piece of coral stuck in your scuba flipper, which I wouldn’t know anything about because you three took all the gear. Dammit, Lana! I did not skipper a submersible down to the bottom of the freaking ocean to be abandoned like a redheaded stepchild!

Oh hey, speaking of, is this one of Mother’s training exercises? Because great timing, this is classic her. Sure, her only child could use some help getting seawater out of his lungs, but let’s toss him out in a survival scenario instead, that’ll accomplish WAY more!

[There is a beat wherein the speaker appears to reconsider, and when he continues his voice is bewildered instead of angry.]

Where the hell am I, anyway? Helloooo, idiots?

Comments

video;

[notdreaming]

You're on the barge. Do you need help getting to the infirmary?

[surrenders]

You don't.

I don't like it either.

[text]

[routemistress]

hello Agent Archer. Iris Wildthyme, transtemporal adventuress, warden, MIAOW scientific adviser, intergalactic pocket billiards champion, righter of wrongs and occasional wronger of rights. I think I'm going to like you, but I'll need a raincheck on the part where we get to know each other till I'm done foiling an attempted mindcontrol plot you showed up in the middle of.

try not to get killed in the meantime and I might let you join me for celebratory drinks after xxxxxxxx

[text]

[codename_duchess]

Ms. Wildthyme, you sound like my kind of woman. (What's MIAOW?)

Try taking out the microchip and putting it into a rabbit. That worked for me.

Don't worry, it takes a lot more than showing up in a prison to kill me.

video;

[codename_duchess]

Uh... [Well hello there, gorgeous blonde!] Yeah, yeah I do. I have no clue what level I'm on.

[codename_duchess]

I don't until tomorrow?

video;

[notdreaming]

Oh. [ Well that's kind of a problem. ]

Well... I guess I can check each floor and see where you are. If you can walk alright the infirmary is on the top floor.

[codename_duchess]

Or maybe you just haven't been keeping up!

Re: [text]

[routemistress]

ministry for incursions and alien ontological wonders. familiarly known as "the pussy parlour" to the other agencies. can't imagine who might've coined that one.

damn, and me without a rabbit on hand. I'm going to need a bigger hat.

later bb <3 <3

[codename_duchess]

So we're dealing with a cannibal robot Tommy Wiseau. Is this Hell?

video;

[codename_duchess]

Great. I'll stay put and wait for you to show up. [This is actually not sarcastic.]

I can walk, but I'd rather walk with you.

[text]

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? What government is that operating under? Because I am deflecting now.

Later? You don't get to dangle mind control in front of me like that and not expect me to do something.

[text]

[routemistress]

please, like the pussy parlour ever let a govt. tell them what to do.

check the network. srsly, can't do barge 101 right now.

[text]

[codename_duchess]

Yes! Do you guys take on male agents?

What network? [Some time later:]

Holy shit.

[text]

[routemistress]

only a few, for heavy lifting and to look good at office parties.

that's what I said. only with more bollocks.

[text]

[codename_duchess]

Not interested in the former but I can definitely help with the latter.

You need a couple of Jesus Christs and some good old-fashioned fucks too.

[text]

[routemistress]

can't go wrong with a good oldfashioned fuck.

this is text so you can't see how I said that with a perfectly straight face, but I tell you, you'd have been impressed.

video;

[notdreaming]

[ Oh. Well, he's probably it's worried that he'll fall or hurt himself. ]

I can carry you. I'll just be a minute.

[ She will just race off before he has time to flirt more. ]

[text]

[codename_duchess]

Come on. I'm sure I'd be impressed by more than that.

[text]

[routemistress]

oh, you will, sweetheart. you will.

video;

[codename_duchess]

Uh, if you want. I'm --

[And she's gone. Archer blinks, shrugs, and settles himself in the common room to await Kara's arrival.]

[text]

[codename_duchess]

Is that a promise?

[hellofleshyones]

...you are suggesting I consume other robots?

You are evidently neurologically defective if that is the message you interpreted.

suddenly: SPAM!

[notdreaming]

[ She races down halls one by one until she finds herself standing in front of her patient. ]

Hello. I'm Kara.

[lastrat]

Yes, it was. [Gross, man.]

Though I've found that reconnaissance serves better than asking.