002 ♐ Video ♐ All you back room schemers, small trip dreamers, better find something new to say

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?

Comments

cw; ableist language.

[halftheman]

Speaking of people who can't run.

See you're back in prime verbal form.

[mistconduct]

Just because I don't have working legs right now doesn't mean I can't kick your ass, Dent.

[halftheman]

That's the very definition of not being able to kick anything's ass.

[mistconduct]

I can still shoot people! I'm healing, asshole, I get immunity from everyone's bullshit for like, at LEAST a week.

[halftheman]

Sure you can. And your aim, while you're pumped full of drugs, will be shit. You're more likely to blow your own toe off and hobble yourself further, kid.

[mistconduct]

Not like I'd be able to feel it anyway.

These drugs are great.

[halftheman]

Yeah, I bet.

[ Mention he's been by? Nope, nope, nope. ]