codename_duchess | 003 ♐ Video ♐ Give me a Boo, give me a B, give me an S

[CW: Discussion of cancer]

[Guess what has two thumbs and is awake, Barge? And guess what’s also reasonably unperturbed by falling into a Barge coma? THIS GUY.]

So in case some of you idiots didn’t know, it’s October, which means in addition to pumpkin spice lattes and slutty Halloween costumes sold on every corner, it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month. [Archer holds up a little pink ribbon; there’s another one pinned to the lapel of his suit.] Nobody should have to go through this disease, because except for the medical marijuana it freaking sucks. So show some support, guys, wear a ribbon. And if you haven’t gotten checked lately, run through the self-exam or hit up the doctors in the infirmary. I’m sure they’d be happy to help. [It says something about how serious he is that he doesn’t make any jokes about this. Not even a crack about mammograms.]

And speaking of slutty Halloween costumes, who’s throwing the party? Is it BYOB?

[Private; Rogue]
Uh, pub?

Pub.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Chris certainly talks big for a kid sitting in the infirmary with no legs below the knee. He's sitting up in bed, texting. Apparently being maimed taught him nothing about poking the bigger dog.]

[Okay, he's a kid, and he's in the infirmary. This means he gets a slight bit more mercy than might otherwise be afforded.

So Archer is just going to loom over him, looking down gravely.]

You got any more jokes you want to crack, Dane Cook?

[Glancing up as Archer's shadow graces over his communicator, Chris makes a face and shuts it up]

Dane Cook? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm way funnier than that joke-stealing asshole!

Right. Because making fun of male breast cancer survivors is fucking hilarious.

There are no male breast cancer survivors! Guys don't have breasts!

YES, DUMBASS, THEY DO. Why do you think men have nipples? Why do you think old guys get manboobs?

Well, according to you, it's so they can serve as convenient carry-around sacks of cancer.

Stay where you are and don't move. If you do, I will kill and/or murder you.

[Archer's off again and returns carrying a common room TV, DVD player, and computer-burned disk, all of which he sets down at Chris's bedside table and begins setting up.]

I have proof on film. Now shut the hell up and watch the movie.

Wow. Can't see how that would detract from the totally fucking awesome situation I'm in now, asshole.

[But he sits still, watching with an aged exasperation as Archer starts setting up the tv]

The fuck? You're an A/V nerd as well as in full possession of a vagina?

If anything it'd make it better. At least if you did that "death toll" thing we could shave off your peach fuzz.

[Just you wait, Chris. Your exasperation will get even more aged.]

What, can you seriously not use iMovie. And we'll see who's got a vagina after this!

[What follows is documentation of some admittedly impressive vigilantism, especially when you consider the star was on chemo. It goes a little something like this. (CW: gore, torture, death) Archer narrates the scenes and explains non-stop, and Pam may have had something to do with the editing.]

Edited 2013-10-05 01:39 (UTC)

....Wow. Jesus, can you shut up for two seconds? I can fucking watch it on my own, dipshit.

Holy fuck you look like hell in that. Did you seriously make this? You fucking tool.

Well excuse me for explaining the backstory and nuances, asshole!

Are you seriously telling me you wouldn't do the exact same thing? Or fail trying? I don't think you got it, I'm starting it again.

I have fucking eyes and ears, I can watch it for myself! It's the most shallow piece of crap cancer movie I've ever seen!

Holy shit, are you that stupid? I went on a rampage to find the piece of shit mob boss whose counterfeit chemo drugs killed my friend! AND I STARTED CHEMO HALFWAY THROUGH THE RAMPAGE.

Now shut up and watch again because obviously none of it sunk in!