008 ♐ Video ♐ If you don't answer I'll just ring it off the wall

[codename_duchess]

Oh my God, it's like one of those random video chat sites. Any moment now, some dude in a trailer park is going to pop up -- phrasing, boom -- and start jacking off.

Hey. So, Sterling Archer here, ISIS agent, checking in from the worst way station. Anyone out there? Who is preferably not an idiot from work? Before replying, please check that you are A. Interesting. B. Hot, C. Funny, or D. All of the above.

And before you ask, no, this is not a voicemail. …Videomail. Shit, video answering service? Whatever you call it, it's not one of those.

Comments

Big Steph

[ichoosefight]

Hard as it is to use that checklist on myself, I'm pretty sure I qualify. I mean, I have to hit at least one of those even if you don't like puns , right?

[couldnotstopfordeath]

I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you on the jacking off score, Agent Archer. Though I daresay some of the idiots from my work would oblige, if you asked nicely.

Where would you be calling from, exactly? Only that's definitely not the ISIS extension.

[codename_duchess]

I wasn't even talking to you! You live here!

And you could've tried leading with the puns the first time. Now it's a little late.

[codename_duchess]

I told you, the worst way station! It's like some limbo universe in a boat filled with crazy people! Why do you have ISIS's number? Who the hell are you?

[ichoosefight]

What are you talking about? I moved out months ago. Unless you somehow managed to accidentally stumble onto this feed from someplace inn Gotham, which I'm at least 99% sure is literally impossible. You are on the barge, aren't you?

[couldnotstopfordeath]

[The sweetest smile.]

I could tell you, but then I'd have to wipe your memory and kill you. Just enjoy the moment, Agent Archer. Tell me about this boat?

[codename_duchess]

Yes! I am! And so are you. You made that perfectly clear when you were arguing with me. Like, a matter of weeks ago, remember?

[ichoosefight]

[ ... ]

Oh my god. It's finally happened. There's an alternate universe me. Score! [ Insert fist pump here. ]

Wait, why were you arguing?

[codename_duchess]

Okay, wipe my memory you could maybe do. Killing me? Good luck.

What about it? It's a boat. A magic spaceboat filled with crazy people.

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Prove it. Prove you're somewhere else right now.

Because you said I wanted to bang you! And you're a kid and you're teeny and just -- no. Ew.

[ichoosefight]

[ She presses a few buttons, zooms out the camera to reveal Batgirl HQ, a nice, clean, white tiled room underground that holds all of her badass gear. It also reveals that Steph herself is wearing the Batgirl suit, albeit without mask, cape or gloves.

There's a purple mini car behind her, and when the camera tilts there's also a garage door. It opens, the floor rises, and the tiniest bit of sun shines through. A moment later she closes it and the camera is pointed straight again. ]

I'm twenty-one, and married. How old is this other me, exactly?

[umgekehrt]

All of the above.

[Have a smile that makes strong man cringe and a face like a crumbling cement wall.]

I'd have remembered a face like yours. The barge's time must be nearly even with mine this time.

[codename_duchess]

...okay, they don't let me have a car here so I'm assuming you really are at home.

You're seventeen and you're all messed up.

[codename_duchess]

[Archer is a strong man, and he does indeed cringe.] You... sure about that?

And I take it you used to live here.

[ichoosefight]

Seventeen?

[ That kind of makes sense, she had a baby not too long ago, and things have been weird at schoo--- ]

Oh god. She's not... Is she an inmate?

[ Then there was that other thing that happened when she was seventeen. ]

[codename_duchess]

Duh. Oh shit! Does that mean wardens can have cars?

[ichoosefight]

[ Ignoring the car question for a moment. Steph just needs to. Press her palms into her eyes for a moment. Process. ]

Christ. Okay. Wow. Does she have a warden? Because if she just went through what I think she just went through she really needs to not be alone right now. And preferably for the next several months.

[codename_duchess]

I don't know. She has some guys who told me not to talk to her again.

[ichoosefight]

In a "you're being a dick" sort of way, or in a protective way? Is Babs still there? Dean?

[codename_duchess]

Christ, I don't know. In a "don't make her angry" way? Which was pretty weird considering we both said we didn't want to talk again.

There's someone named Dean here, yeah. I don't know a Babs.

[ichoosefight]

Okay, okay. [ Deep breaths, Steph. ] Dean will take care of her. I'm sorry, this is weird for me even by barge standards. If she's like I was... well, let's just say she shouldn't be allowed to make any important decisions for a good while.

[codename_duchess]

Great. Good for her. Glad she's got people. [Jealous? Of Steph having friends? Never.]

You should probably tell this stuff to them. I seriously doubt she'll be talking to me anytime soon.

[ichoosefight]

What happened, anyway? I find it hard to believe anyone could be this worked up over what I have to assume was a lame attempt at a sex joke.

[ OKAY SO MAYBE SOMETIMES HER JOKES ARE LAME. SHE'S STILL FUNNY!!!! ]

[codename_duchess]

Jokes about whether or not I screw underage girls? Which, A. why, and B. really really not cool.

[There's an awkward pause, and then, he continues in private:]

She kind of only let up when she found out we had some shit in common. The kind of shit I don't want to talk about.

[ichoosefight]

[ The comment about underage girls is enough to make her wince. The rest, she finally resorts to dropping her head onto the giant keyboard that likes to pretend it's a desk. ]

Dammit. I'm sorry. I mean, I know I can't really apologize for her, but still.