020 ♐ Video ♐ Coming back from the edge of town underneath their feet

[codename_duchess]

[CW: mention of cancer]

For those of you who don’t know me, hi. Sterling Archer, ISIS top agent, world’s most dangerous spy. And if you don’t believe that ask Bond, since I beat the shit out of him. I’ve recovered nuclear material, assassinated enemy agents, fought arms dealers, space pirates, killer cyborgs, the Yakuza, North Korean terrorists, and the KGB. I’ve been poisoned, declared legally dead, beaten breast cancer, and been shot twenty-two times – all before I got on the Barge. Long story short, I am a huge badass.

My adventures on the Barge are pretty awesome too but I don’t need to tell you that. Chris, Rogue, and Morgana can do that for me – right, guys?

Anyway, chalk up another tally in the badass column: I, Sterling Archer, have beaten the Barge. [Check out his brand-spanking new shower stall and redwood Japanese soaking bath!] Check it out, dickwads, I graduated! And it only took me a couple months. …Several months. Less than a year. So I’m going to go home to keep kicking bad guys’ asses and also check in on Lana. Because she’s pregnant and that’s kind of a big deal.

…The point is, I’m badass.

Rogue, you promised me a goddamn cake.

Comments

[mistconduct]

Because maybe you want one that's not so shitty, I don't know! God, I'm trying to make you stay, genius!

[codename_duchess]

Ugh. You stopped being a bitch eventually, that's being nice.

[codename_duchess]

Oh.









Why?

[mistconduct]

Because you're my friend, you goddamn idiot. Duh.

[codename_duchess]

Is this because of the Paddington thing?

[mistconduct]

The fucking bears? What do they have to do with it?

[codename_duchess]

You know, saving you and shit?

[mistconduct]

What, you think I want you to stay because I owe you?

[codename_duchess]

Jesus, who do you think I am? Sir Equilibrium of the Balanced-lever Table? No, idiot. That's why you like me, isn't it?

[mistconduct]

I liked you before the bear thing!

[codename_duchess]

Really?

[mistconduct]

Fuck yeah, dick-for-brains!

[ichoosefight]

[ She laughs. ] That's one definition, I guess.

[codename_duchess]

[While he's definitely liked quite a few people from the Barge, Chris being one of them, Archer's still surprised when it's mutual.] Oh.

Cool. Well... Glad we're friends.

But Lana's my friend too, and she's having a baby and I kind of want to be around for that.

[mistconduct]

...Your baby?

[codename_duchess]

No, it's her baby. And some other dude's, but not Cyril's which is, to me, a huge relief. Those genes don't need to be passed on.

[codename_duchess]

That's what it means! Not being a dick!

[mistconduct]

Wow.

So you gonna be the godfather? You better lock that shit down early.

[ichoosefight]

Archer, sweetie.

That is not what 'nice' means.

[codename_duchess]

If I could lock that shit down I would've done it already.

Maybe she'll let me be the godfather. I don't know. It'll probably be Ray.

[codename_duchess]

What the hell does it mean in your universe, then?!

[mistconduct]

Fuck Ray. Who's gonna teach the kid how to tell the good bourbon from the shit?

[ichoosefight]

It means being actively actually nice to people.

[youwillgotohell]

[She smiles. She's smiling more easily, lately.]

Congratulations, Sterling.

[It's been a while since she could offer that, here, without a hefty dosage of bitterness.]

[codename_duchess]

[She looks good when she's smiling. Archer returns the favor.]

Thanks, gorgeous. You want to get together one more time before I ride off into the sunset?