002 ♐ Video ♐ All you back room schemers, small trip dreamers, better find something new to say

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?

Comments

[mistconduct]

HEY FUCK YOU.

I'm nothing like this asshole!

[codename_duchess]

Can you? Or are you just an exceptionally helpful inmate answering questions like a warden should?

[He's not being passive-aggressive at you, Emperor, just everyone else. Though he brightens up when he sees Mel.] Hey buddy! You soaking up some heat?

[codename_duchess]

What he said! I'm way cooler than some little shit with a bad goatee!

cw; ableist language.

[halftheman]

Oh, I processed it. It's just so grade school at recess I can't be bothered to be angry at you. It's like watching some gimp run the special Olympics in the wit category.

...and Chris D'Amico. You'll meet him soon enough.

cw; ableist language.

[halftheman]

Speaking of people who can't run.

See you're back in prime verbal form.

[mistconduct]

Fuck you, prick! This goatee is amazing!

[codename_duchess]

Well it's not like I ban him from seeing Harriet Tubman, genius! He just does whatever I say when I say it!

[mistconduct]

Just because I don't have working legs right now doesn't mean I can't kick your ass, Dent.

[halftheman]

That's the very definition of not being able to kick anything's ass.

cw: ableist language

[codename_duchess]

HEY. DON'T YOU DARE COMPARE ME TO RAY.

[mistconduct]

I can still shoot people! I'm healing, asshole, I get immunity from everyone's bullshit for like, at LEAST a week.

[heisrisen]

The latter, unfortunately. Our justice was more efficient than this.

[The Emperor scoops Mel up and lies with the cat on his chest, camera now held above them both as he reclines on a library couch. After a moment of non-plussed non-reaction, Mel begins kneading the Emperor's with his claws.]

[halftheman]

Sure you can. And your aim, while you're pumped full of drugs, will be shit. You're more likely to blow your own toe off and hobble yourself further, kid.

[lastrat]

I hope you at least pay him.

[halftheman]

...Ray?

[codename_duchess]

And you're doing a great job, let me tell you! Sarcasm.

Who the hell feeds themselves?

[codename_duchess]

Fuck you, you could use it. You can get that beard on a woman if you give her an Oreo.

[mistconduct]

Not like I'd be able to feel it anyway.

These drugs are great.

[codename_duchess]

Well, I don't. I've never written him a check. I guess Mother pays him.

Or he just does it out of love. Or whatever.

[mistconduct]

Thanks. I copied it from your mom.

[halftheman]

Yeah, I bet.

[ Mention he's been by? Nope, nope, nope. ]

[codename_duchess]

[That was so far off the mark Archer can't be offended by it, but it was good enough that he has to chuckle.]

All right, inaccurate on all fronts, but that one wasn't bad.

[mistconduct]

For real? It was kind of a stretch, I didn't know if I should've gone for it or not.

[lastrat]

[Wow, Archer.

Wow.]

I don't envy whoever gets you. [Please, do not let that be him. Do not be this cruel, Admiral.]

[codename_duchess]

And your justice would've been...? Who's we, you and the cat?

[Archer's still paying far more attention to the cat than the man, nodding as if Mel had spoken.] Yeah, I get it. You did look comfier before.