002 ♐ Video ♐ All you back room schemers, small trip dreamers, better find something new to say

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?

Comments

[soliterraneous]

Why are you asking so many questions while drunk?

[codename_duchess]

Trust me, I'm not drunk.

[soliterraneous]

Surprising.

You didn't seem to mind your daemon when you had her.

Most of these questions you can ask your warden, because the rest of us don't know.

[lastrat]

[Hello, Thursday morning entertainment.]

That it's going to continue.

[codename_duchess]

[This is just a regular Thursday. He'll sober up a teeny bit after his lunch of gummi bears.]

There! Was that so hard?

[lastrat]

[Regularly scheduled entertainment you say?]

Like pulling teeth.

Who's Woodhouse?

[halftheman]

At this point I imagine your crime is running at the mouth.

[codename_duchess]

While yours is being completely unpresentable?

[halftheman]

In a manner of speaking.

[ Persons who ass he needs to kick: Archer, now on the top of the list. ]

[heisrisen]

Any warden can request a cat for you, if you can persuade one to do so. Iris Wildthyme was kind enough to obtain Mel for us.

[He swivels the camera to show a lounging marmalade tom cat. The Emperor is being helpful only because Archer asked about the cat first. And also because he wants to watch Archer prevail upon Iris for favors.]

[codename_duchess]

Can you? Or are you just an exceptionally helpful inmate answering questions like a warden should?

[He's not being passive-aggressive at you, Emperor, just everyone else. Though he brightens up when he sees Mel.] Hey buddy! You soaking up some heat?

[heisrisen]

The latter, unfortunately. Our justice was more efficient than this.

[The Emperor scoops Mel up and lies with the cat on his chest, camera now held above them both as he reclines on a library couch. After a moment of non-plussed non-reaction, Mel begins kneading the Emperor's with his claws.]

[routemistress]

I can do you booze and I'll consider a cat. No guns.

In return I want you and Mister Dent to mudwrestle in very brief shorts for me. Chris can referee.


[Straight face.]

[halftheman]

[ THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU; Harvey's just left staring because what do you even say to say. ]

[ Beyond 'oh hell no'. ]

[private/video]

[routemistress]

[Iris winks at him. Shhh, just trolling the newb.]

[mistconduct]

Yes to the New Guy, no to Dent.

[private]

[routemistress]

We kind of made friends while you were gone.

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? That guy?

[routemistress]

Well, you were 'aving so much fun there.

[indispensible]

Everyone's done something wrong.

[codename_duchess]

Well not me!

video;

[notdreaming]

It's not jut breaches. There are smaller floods too, where only one or two things change. They're all pretty weird.

video;

[codename_duchess]

We get floods in outer space?

video;

[notdreaming]

They're not water floods. Someone said they were more like magic floods, but that doesn't make any more sense.

[canfindrope]

...Are you talking about the breach? [Because.

Just.

What?]