002 ♐ Video ♐ All you back room schemers, small trip dreamers, better find something new to say

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?

Comments

[codename_duchess]

It worked! Though not about my mom, who has never eaten an Oreo in her life.

[mistconduct]

Dude, what's wrong with her?

[codename_duchess]

[Just wait until someone reads his file. A TON of stuff'll start making sense.]

Yeah, tell me you've got someone so I don't end up with you.

[codename_duchess]

How much time do you have?

[codename_duchess]

Don't tell me you made a reference like that and don't know who he is!

[mistconduct]

Like, fucking ages. I'm in the infirmary. Not a lot of shit to do.

[lastrat]

It's a risk we're running. Why don't you make yourself useful and knock on some wood?

[halftheman]

Can't say that I know which Ray you're going on about.

[codename_duchess]

She's a total bitch. Never once bought me cookies as a kid. [Half-muttered, almost to himself:] But she bought that damn dog biscuits from the pet bakery every freakin' day.

[codename_duchess]

I would but your head's all the way over there.

[mistconduct]

Whaaat a bitch.

[codename_duchess]

The one you are! Jesus!

[routemistress]

I can do you booze and I'll consider a cat. No guns.

In return I want you and Mister Dent to mudwrestle in very brief shorts for me. Chris can referee.


[Straight face.]

[codename_duchess]

I know, I just said that.

[halftheman]

[ THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU; Harvey's just left staring because what do you even say to say. ]

[ Beyond 'oh hell no'. ]

[mistconduct]

I was confirming, douchewaffle.

[halftheman]

Alright, then. Who the hell is Ray?

[mistconduct]

Yes to the New Guy, no to Dent.

[private/video]

[routemistress]

[Iris winks at him. Shhh, just trolling the newb.]

[private]

[routemistress]

We kind of made friends while you were gone.

[private]

[mistconduct]

IRIS!

[private/video]

[halftheman]

You'd fit in at Arkham. With the Joker.

[ This is not a compliment. ]

[private]

[routemistress]

...what. It's what we're 'ere for.

I'm not shagging 'im or anything. That'd be weird.

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? That guy?

[private/video]

[routemistress]

Not my kind of fun, lovey. Anyway you started it.