002 ♐ Video ♐ All you back room schemers, small trip dreamers, better find something new to say

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?

Comments

[routemistress]

Well, you were 'aving so much fun there.

[private/video]

[halftheman]

I didn't bring mudwrestling into anything at all.

[private/video]

[routemistress]

See, this is just your trouble. No imagination. No sense of performance.

Re: [private]

[mistconduct]

No fucking kidding it'd be weird. Jesus.

[codename_duchess]

Thanks, but I don't handle or consume undercooked meat.

[private]

[routemistress]

'E needs people. Both of 'im. Even if one of them says 'e don't.

[routemistress]

Well, 'e would kick your arse seven ways from Tuesday, so per'aps it's just as well, eh?

[codename_duchess]

Are you kidding? Have you seen me fight? Oh that's right, no you haven't!

[routemistress]

I've not, no. Would you care to be introduced to our Closed Training Simulator? The very best in virtual combat opponents, lined up for your pleasure.

[codename_duchess]

Like laser tag? Now that's the kind of thing you should've mentioned sooner.

[You just want to see him fight with his shirt off, don't you Iris.]

[routemistress]

[Mostly she wants to keep Harvey out of trouble, but she'll take it.]

'Ey, I'm a busy girl, Mister Archer, I can't be on top of everything. Meet me up on deck. What d'you like to fight with?

[private/video]

[halftheman]

I have a personally fine sense of theater and performance. I was a lawyer.

You need Nygma for farcical comedy.

Re: [private/video]

[routemistress]

Comatose. Along with everyone else I were counting on for affection and amusement. You're it, lovey.

Re: [private/video]

[halftheman]

Bother his boyfriend. Dote on Chris. Manage your inmate. I'm sure you've got a lot of options.

[private/video]

[routemistress]

Chris' boyfriend or Eddie's? They're both busy doting themselves, any road, and Chris needs 'is rest right now. Victor's been quiet since the breach - though I do 'ave some plans in mind for 'im, as it 'appens.

But nothing I'd let stop me from keeping up with me friends. 'Ow'd the breach treat you?

[private]

[mistconduct]

Bull shit.

[private]

[routemistress]

Babs cares about 'im.

...that and 'e's fun to troll.

[private]

[mistconduct]

Babs cares about everyone.

But yeah, he totally is.

So's New Guy.

[private/video]

[halftheman]

I slept through it. Woke up and I'd lost time.

[ More than usual, anyway. He loses time with fair regularity, thanks to his other half. ]

[codename_duchess]

Fine. If the deck's the place that looks like the bad psychedelic artwork.

Guns.

[private]

[routemistress]

Isn't 'e! I like 'im already.

...There's family 'istory there. We ran into each other in the memory flood and 'e got a memory with 'er in it. It kind of ...kicked off a moment. Anyway I've decided I'm keeping 'im now.

[private/video]

[routemistress]

That's a shame. It were a fun one. Parts of ourselves manifesting in their own shapes; it's a lovely concept. I miss mine.

[routemistress]

You just arrived. You've got no warden. I like you a lot, Agent Archer, but I am not giving you a gun. You can 'ave a sword or you can 'ave those stick things Bea and Babs use.

[private/video]

[halftheman]

The last thing I need is Two-Face in his own body.

[ Or maybe that's exactly what he needs.

[private/video]

[routemistress]

Probably better than 'aving 'im in yours, love.