002 ♐ Video ♐ All you back room schemers, small trip dreamers, better find something new to say

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?

Comments

[codename_duchess]

[All day every day, only with regular breaks for blackouts.]

My valet. So nobody.

[lastrat]

[And thus furthering the entertainment value. If only he was the type to draw mustaches.]

Wouldn't surprise me if that had something to do with your attendance here.

[codename_duchess]

What, Woodhouse? He's not even -- I basically own him!

[lastrat]

Because slavery is easily forgivable.

[codename_duchess]

Well it's not like I ban him from seeing Harriet Tubman, genius! He just does whatever I say when I say it!

[lastrat]

I hope you at least pay him.

[codename_duchess]

Well, I don't. I've never written him a check. I guess Mother pays him.

Or he just does it out of love. Or whatever.

[lastrat]

[Wow, Archer.

Wow.]

I don't envy whoever gets you. [Please, do not let that be him. Do not be this cruel, Admiral.]

[codename_duchess]

[Just wait until someone reads his file. A TON of stuff'll start making sense.]

Yeah, tell me you've got someone so I don't end up with you.

[lastrat]

It's a risk we're running. Why don't you make yourself useful and knock on some wood?

[codename_duchess]

I would but your head's all the way over there.

[lastrat]

Oh, very witty. I'm practically dazzled.

[codename_duchess]

You too. Very clever rejoinder.

[lastrat]

You know what they say, about getting what you deserve.

[codename_duchess]

Yeah, that's why I'm not wasting much time on you.

[lastrat]

Now that hurts. You hardly know me.

[codename_duchess]

I know! Silver lining, right?

[lastrat]

Does avoid a waste of time.