005 ♐ Voice ♐ The television says I'm such an ass

[codename_duchess]

[Archer's taken up his place at the bar again. It's not a video feed, but it's easy to tell from the clink of glass, the murmur of talk in the background, the occasional sound of liquid pouring, and Archer humming in approval. His third Green Russian of the afternoon's put him in a good mood.]

Mmm. Jesus, no wonder Pam uses heavy cream for these.

Okay, I know I come down really hard on you guys, and I think we all know why. Truth is, it kind of sucks here. Not anywhere near as much as it sucked in that other here, but it does. I mean, you go from being the world's greatest secret agent, knee-deep in money and women, to a freaking inmate in the world's most dysfunctional prison, and you see how freaking cooperative you are. Especially when they take away your booze.

[Sip.]

The truth is, though, some of you don't totally suck. Not naming any names, build up your self-esteem on your own time. But some of you are reasonably bearable, and.

Thank you, for that.

So now that we're sharing secret warm fuzzies, anyone who helps me get this keg out of here gets to hear what boy's name I doodle in my notebooks.

[OOC: It's the White Flag flood and Archer is affected, meaning he is slightly nicer and more emotionally honest than normal. As usual, the more liquor people pour into him the more he'll talk about his feelings, toward them or others! Get him really, really drunk, and he might talk about his feelings toward himself.]

Comments

[halftheman]

I don't care about the name doodle, but if you share the keg, I'm game.

[pub]

[routemistress]

...That looks like a lime milkshake. Let's 'ave one.

[patheticvillain]

What the fuck did you put in that drink.

[codename_duchess]

Great! Just - get in here and distract people. Preferably with some sort of animal inundation, because seriously, imagine a flock of pelicans in here. Right? All flapping around and bobbing for fish in the drinks?

[One Green Russian is equivalent to about three regular mixed drinks. Archer is at least nine deep by this point in the afternoon's drinking session - he had a power blackout after this morning's.]

[pub]

[codename_duchess]

It's a Green Russian and I don't think you can handle it.

[codename_duchess]

Vodka, creme de menthe, absinthe, and heavy cream.

Yeah, I know. But it's, like, two days' worth of dairy intake so it evens out.

[pub]

[routemistress]

Oh, Agent Archer. You 'ave no idea what this girl can 'andle. Now are you getting me that milkshake or what?

[pub]

[codename_duchess]

Fine, but don't come crying to me when your head is pounding tomorrow morning.

[And he slips behind the counter, stonewalling anyone who tells him he's not allowed to be there. Two parts vodka, two parts absinthe, two parts cream, and one part creme de menthe make Agent Pam Poovey's signature drink, which he passes over to Iris.] Are you sure you've got nothing to lose?

[pub]

[routemistress]

More'n usual right now, pet.

[Iris watches with detached interest as he assembles the drink; if she didn't have two livers and a constitution that requires her to biofeedback herself to be affected by alcohol at all, she probably wouldn't be able to handle very much of that.

She raises the glass and knocks back a sizeable swallow.]

...Oooh, it's like minty liquorice allsorts. I like. Bring over the bottles, someone'll get narky if I make you keep getting up.

[halftheman]

That all?

C'mon, Archer, I'm sure you can find a better way to smuggle the booze out.

[patheticvillain]

Serious question: how many of those can you drink before you die? Maybe three?

[codename_duchess]

My record's eight.

Re: [pub]

[codename_duchess]

[Archer blinks. Then he blinks again, and a third time, before looking down at the drink in confusion and grabbing the bottles as bidden.]

If Pam had made that you'd be on the floor by now.

[codename_duchess]

Bar fight?

Bar fiiiiiight.

[bitteraftertaste]

That's a refreshing bit of honesty.

[codename_duchess]

What? No one said I was talking about you.

[bitteraftertaste]

Oh, I wasn't assuming you were.

[halftheman]

I think we've got enough with the fighting, lately. Down a student with Eddie's graduation, but I can't begrudge him getting off the boat.

[la_belle_rogue]

[It's a flood. She's well aware. But she's not going to complain, just check on him.]

Y'okay over there?

[codename_duchess]

Hey! Totally fine. Great. Still trapped on an interdimensional prison ship, so how could I not be amazing?

[la_belle_rogue]

Ah could say it could be worse, but ya've seen just how much worse it could be already.

Anyway, Ah was askin' more about how much ya've had ta drink, seein' as you're stealin' a keg.

[codename_duchess]

Well obviously if I'm stealing the keg, the answer is "not enough."

[pub]

[routemistress]

[She grins and winks at him.]

Might still 'appen, lovey, you never know your luck. Keep 'em coming.

[codename_duchess]

Who the fuck is Eddie?

[pub]

[codename_duchess]

[All right, she tore through that Green Russian like she was throwing back a shot. Looks like Archer finally found a woman besides his mother or Pam who can drink like Ireland.] If you end up on the floor, I'll know how lucky I am.

[codename_duchess]

And I wasn't talking about your vagina boyfriend either.

[halftheman]

Eddie Nygma; formerly the Riddler. Graduated last week, after the mirror-barge mess. We're from the same world.

[patheticvillain]

You terrify me.

[Admiring Voice™.]

[pub]

[routemistress]

[It's nice. Warming and cooling at the same time and thick and sweet.]

...bit like some people I could name.

Um, cool and rich, I mean. That's what I meant. And not at all green. Not yet.

[bitteraftertaste]

Again, that wasn't my assumption. But feel free to continue.

[velocette]

I'll help with the keg, but I'll take a glass instead of your secrets. [Which he says so politely, by the way, even though Archer kind of cracks him up amuses him.]

[codename_duchess]

Okay, you get one.

[codename_duchess]

Then what the hell is your assumption?

[codename_duchess]

Good.

[velocette]

Are you trying to make friends? [Or is this a ploy to make women sympathetic, he means, but just implies with a smile.]

[codename_duchess]

...Have you met me before? I don't have friends here.

Possibly Nathan and Aeryn, but they're special cases.

[velocette]

Why not? Anyway, if you don't make them on your own, the Admiral will force them on you. Personally I think it would be easier to just pick the people you can stand to be around...but you might like a challenge more than I do.