002 ♐ Video ♐ All you back room schemers, small trip dreamers, better find something new to say

[codename_duchess]

Seriously? Is that what everyone was so excited about, a bunch of people going nuts because someone messed with them? That happens everywhere! Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me about the goddamn Victorian city I was doomed to wander around, complete with my own freaking Hobbes?! I mean, we didn’t exactly have any sled conversations, but it was pretty obvious someone was playing around with the Calvin thing. [Did we mention he‘s in the pub and holding a Scotch? Because he is and he sips at it now. Yes, he’s essentially drunk-dialing the Barge -- this is a pattern he will probably follow for the duration of his time on board.] Which reminds me, who do I talk to about getting a cat?

Or getting my liquor cabinet restocked. Or my gun locker. And don’t give me some bullshit metaphysical answer like “you can’t talk to who’s in charge” or “you just have to wait”. I am neither a deist nor a Supremes fan. Oh, you know what else is bullshit? Detaining prisoners without charges! I get that we’re doing Archer in Wonderland, what I don’t get is why!

[He fumes at the camera for a minute before taking another drink of Scotch, which seems to have a calming affect almost immediately.] Because if I don’t get to talk to someone official I’ll assume it’s parking tickets. That, or banging that stuntwoman on the hood of that cab. ‘Cause let’s face it, I haven’t really done anything wrong.

-- Oh, shit, this isn’t about Woodhouse, is it? Come on! He’s not even people!

Is there anything else about this shitshow I should know?

Comments

[soliterraneous]

Why are you asking so many questions while drunk?

[codename_duchess]

Trust me, I'm not drunk.

[lastrat]

[Hello, Thursday morning entertainment.]

That it's going to continue.

[halftheman]

At this point I imagine your crime is running at the mouth.

[soliterraneous]

Surprising.

You didn't seem to mind your daemon when you had her.

Most of these questions you can ask your warden, because the rest of us don't know.

[codename_duchess]

[This is just a regular Thursday. He'll sober up a teeny bit after his lunch of gummi bears.]

There! Was that so hard?

[codename_duchess]

While yours is being completely unpresentable?

[halftheman]

In a manner of speaking.

[ Persons who ass he needs to kick: Archer, now on the top of the list. ]

[lastrat]

[Regularly scheduled entertainment you say?]

Like pulling teeth.

Who's Woodhouse?

[codename_duchess]

Of course I didn't mind! I had a Hobbes! Which I guess kind of worked with all the kids around. It's being thrown into a parallel universe I don't like.

What warden?

[soliterraneous]

That is common, apparently, so get used to it.

You probably don't have one yet.

[codename_duchess]

In all manners, looks like.

[COME AT HIM BRO.]

[codename_duchess]

[All day every day, only with regular breaks for blackouts.]

My valet. So nobody.

[halftheman]

Are you looking to court a beating, or you just this way with everybody?

[codename_duchess]

"Apparently"? You can't tell me for sure?

No shit.

[codename_duchess]

Just the dumbasses in need of skin grafts.

[soliterraneous]

I haven't been here long enough to tell you for sure.

And how am I supposed to know if some unfortunate got saddled with you yet?

[halftheman]

So what you're saying is you're terminally stupid. [ He pinches the bridge of his nose. ] Christ, it's like Chris grew up without anybody to smack him out of his idiocy.

[lastrat]

[And thus furthering the entertainment value. If only he was the type to draw mustaches.]

Wouldn't surprise me if that had something to do with your attendance here.

[codename_duchess]

You're the one who's giving me answers!

[soliterraneous]

I am answering the questions that I can, you frelling idiot.

I wouldn't trust you with a cat that can't speak, you seem barely able to feed yourself to begin with.

[codename_duchess]

What, Woodhouse? He's not even -- I basically own him!

[heisrisen]

Any warden can request a cat for you, if you can persuade one to do so. Iris Wildthyme was kind enough to obtain Mel for us.

[He swivels the camera to show a lounging marmalade tom cat. The Emperor is being helpful only because Archer asked about the cat first. And also because he wants to watch Archer prevail upon Iris for favors.]

[codename_duchess]

That's a stretch. What you're saying is you can't even process a simple insult.

Chris Who? Farley?

[lastrat]

Because slavery is easily forgivable.