007 ♐ Video ♐ Why would you wish that on me? I never want to act my age

[codename_duchess]

Okay idiot, here's what the rest of these assholes are getting from me.

Get Rogue a pair of Fiocci leather and lace gloves. Opera-length. I'm pretty sure I saw some in Lana's lingerie catalogue awhile back. Nathan needs a watch, so something decent by Omega would be good. Aeryn gets really good laser tag equipment so she can teach me to go all Halo the way she learned. And speaking of equipment, phrasing boom, get Iris a kickass sound system and a shit-ton of colored lights plus a disco ball and fog machine. If you could do something magic and cool for Morgana that'd be great -- like, shit, I don't know. The Monster Book of Monsters or something. And for Raven, give her a wardrobe filled with costumes for different people from different historical eras. Including future ones because where the shit are you steering us next, dumbass? She has to freaking blend in!

Catra gets a ton of fine jewelry and maybe, like, a new stripper outfit. Um. Loki's Norse, so… two pet ravens? For Cassel… get Cassel a literal pair of rose-colored glasses. Preferably worn by John Lennon. Oh! And get Scott a jersey worn by his favorite lacrosse player. Chris the new King of the Robots can have a tiny R2D2. All beeping and wheeling around on the floor behind him -- God, that's freaking adorable. Now I want one.

Get that idiot Bond a copy of Krieger's hologram girlfriend. Make sure she follows him around. And that zombie dick? Give him one of those stupid My Little Pony things. Make it fall apart if he touches it. ETA: As for that weird cannibal freakshow, get him an appropriate anatomical image.

For everyone else, just give them a bottle of Glengoolie blue. Oh, except for the kids. They can have -- shit, chocolate milk or whatever the hell it is kids drink.

SNOWBALL FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

[The feed captures the CES, snowy, hilly, and covered in pine forests. The place is a regular winter wonderland: in fact it's Gstaad, Switzerland, a ski resort with the chateau and lift stripped away. A series of snowballs, thrown rapid-fire against the trunk of a pine tree, explode into icy powder as Archer laughs.] Yes! Still pitching like the world's manliest top!

So I've been waiting to say this since I was, like, three. I AM DECLARING WAR ON THE CITIZENS OF THIS DIMENSION.

Okay, here's what we're doing. SNOWBALL WAR IN THE CES, BITCHES. Grab your friends, grab your warden, and grab a handful of snow and try to kick some ass. Bring it home like it's Pizza Hut, guys, or the fight's coming to the halls. The winners get everlasting glory and valor! The losers get mocked into oblivion!

And, seriously. Like half you assholes don't want to see me lose.

Which I won't. Because, uh, duh.

[There's a slight pause in which that line of thought ends, giving the feed an uninterrupted and rather pretty alpine winter image. Then it blurs as he takes off running somewhere, catching his voice as he darts off:]

SCOTT'S ON MY TEAM!

Comments

[mirabilis]

[ She may wonder for your sanity ]

[codename_duchess]

My money is always on my mouth!

[codename_duchess]

Oh come on, missions in snow don't--

Wait, no, they totally count. Come on, you're in.

[codename_duchess]

It's an expression specific to a language or culture, Catra. It means you're saying something readily apparent.

[codename_duchess]

Oh come on. You're from Maine! What else is there for the police to even do in your town?! Break up the annual bar fight?

[codename_duchess]

That is still definitely not something he should've ever worn beyond the privacy of his bedroom.

[robinwishes]

Keep talking about my dad like that and I'll have to break my month long streak of not removing anybody's fingers.

[neuropathy]

[ Why do people set Nathan up for these things. ]

Oh, you know. Land disputes. Tourists provoking black bears. Serial killers who wear their victims' skin.

[codename_duchess]

Um, yeah. I seriously doubt you could break my lifelong streak of not getting injured by little girls.

[robinwishes]

See, when you say it like that it's almost like asking for an object lesson.

[codename_duchess]

[Because it's in his nature!]

Ewww.

[codename_duchess]

Oh come on, idiot, I'm not going to fight you. If I hit you, you would literally break in half.

[robinwishes]

You better hope I don't find you in the CES, asshole.

[codename_duchess]

...because I have non-creepy fashion sense and don't want to hurt you?

[robinwishes]

Because if bitches talk shit, they get hit.

[codename_duchess]

Obviously not or you'd be beaten beyond recognition.

[robinwishes]

[ She smiles so sweetly and then cuts the feed. Hopefully she won't find him in the CES; the temptation to really fuck his smarmy ass up is great, but... ]

[ Well, what will it get her beyond brief satisfaction? ]

[codename_duchess]

All right! Hangup from a pussy number four!

[neuropathy]

Yeah, that was a word for it.

[ Is he still being acerbic. Is snow wet.

A N Y W A Y ]

'm bringin' my inmate. I mean, 'nless she has to bring me.

[mirabilis]

[ ..... What ]

Are you?

[ Woah there Nathan ]

[neverfeltbetter]

[He's still trying to decide if he means that literally. He's known some pretty weird people...]

Well, my money's on you taking a snowball to the face. Or are we settin' limits?

[neuropathy]

Give it a chance. Y'might even have fun.

[coldlies]

You will never defeat me.

Now... Might I suggest adding something a little extra to your ammunition?

[mirabilis]

I could find that in other areas.

[codename_duchess]

Well, you say that.

I'm listening...