019 ♐ Video ♐ Toss your bear a goldfish as he cycles by

[codename_duchess]

[Sitting on a wooden platform high up in a tree, surrounded by the miniature ursine natives and illuminated by torchlight, Archer beams.]

These guys are awesome! [Archer slings an arm around the nearest native and pats him on the shoulder, laughing heartily. The native in turn pats his arm before slipping out of his grip.] Seriously, this is like the best camping trip I’ve ever been on. I don’t care what anyone says, they know how to party. Rogue’s all like “ya don’t know what yer gettin’ in for, Archer.” With teddy bears.

That said, they do have pointy sticks. BUT. They don’t use them if you share your stuff. Come on by and surrender your candy bars and booze. The candy bars are for them, the booze is for me.

Comments

[codename_duchess]

Jesus Christ, Chris, start getting drunk with the teddy bears! Actually, actually. Do you have ice?

[mistconduct]

....This is a fucking rainforest. No I don't have ice.

[codename_duchess]

Not even in a cooler or something? What about seltzer?

[mistconduct]

What do I look like, the Rainforest Cafe?

[codename_duchess]

Just get your scrawny ass up here, idiot.

[mistconduct]

Dickhead.

[But he goes clunking up after Archer, muttering to himself]

[codename_duchess]

[Archer waits until Chris arrives before delivering his retort.] Shit-for-brains.

You want a vodka and... something grapefruit/pear-like juice?

[mistconduct]

Did you just wait until I got up here to say that to me?


...Yeah, sure.

[codename_duchess]

Yes, idiot, I did! Because I never forget an insult. [Except when he does, or just shrugs it off. Which is frequently.]

Hey! Corduroy! Get me one of those pinkish drinks! [The native he grabbed before, apparently feeling that Archer is beginning to wear out his welcome, nudges a large open jug toward him. Archer pours it into a small bowl and mixes it with a generous splash of his own vodka reserve before handing it to Chris.] There you go, l'chaim.

[mistconduct]

You serious? Corduroy?

[Chris grins, shaking his head and taking the bowl]

God, you're weird.

[But he sits down to drink it anyway]

[codename_duchess]

They're all named Corduroy or Paddington. Or Fozzie. That one's Rupert. And I call that one over there with the stone necklace Winnie.

[mistconduct]

Which one is Berenstein?

[codename_duchess]

This is the Berenstein tribe, duh.

[mistconduct]

You're a goddamn idiot, Archer.

[codename_duchess]

Like you could come up with better names.

[mistconduct]

Yogi. Boo-Boo. Baloo. The Sexual Harassment Panda.

[codename_duchess]

Go name your own tribe. We don't even have pandas.

[mistconduct]

You don't even have real bears!

[codename_duchess]

DON'T SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THEM, IDIOT.

[mistconduct]

THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH, ASSHOLE.

[codename_duchess]

AND YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY THEY DON'T! DON'T BE RACIST, ASSHOLE.

[mistconduct]

BEARS AREN'T A RACE.

[codename_duchess]

SPECIESIST! JESUS CHRIST!

[mistconduct]

OH, NOW YOU'RE BRINGING RELIGION INTO IT?!

[codename_duchess]

WH - NO. EVEN IF I DRANK THE KOOL-AID I COULD STILL SEE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN GODS, IDIOT.

[mistconduct]

THIS-

[He reaches over, picking up one of the smaller bears, and showing it to Archer]

-IS NOT PADDINGTON.

THIS IS A FERAL CREATURE AND-

[Wait, hang on, he's upset all the rest who are now bludgeoning him with sticks. A+ move, Chris]

[codename_duchess]

[Teddy bears are beating Chris with sticks. Archer loses his shit, and it takes him several minutes to stop laughing.] You were saying, idiot?

[But he's not totally heartless, and whistles to one of the bears to get its attention. He hands it the bottle of vodka, and it peels off from the group.] I told you, give them stuff!

[mistconduct]

[Covering his head with his arms, Chris falls to the fetal position, huddling down for protection]

Shut up and save me, asshole!

[codename_duchess]

Okay, cultural chauvinist Chris. You big crybaby.

[True to his word, Archer reaches into the tiny ursine fray and grabs Chris, pulling him up to carry him in a firefighter's lift.] Now! Go-Go Gadget rocket boots!

[mistconduct]

[From over Archer's shoulder, Chris snarls back]

I'm not Inspector Gadget!

[codename_duchess]

Seriously, all those can do is walk? Even Ray has super cyborg strength.

[Now that Chris is out of reach, the natives begin to turn their wrath and sticks on Archer, beating him from waist to feet.] Ow - ow - ow - ow - HEY! WE WERE COOL THREE MINUTES AGO, WINNIE!

[mistconduct]

Fucking run, Archer! And don't fucking drop me!

[he seizes on a nearby stick one of the natives is waving, yanking it upwards and dragging the unfortunate bear with it]

[codename_duchess]

Yeah? Where the hell should I run? Toward the bears or down the freaking shaky rope bridge?

[When Chris drags the stick Archer wiggles, shaking the bear off before he makes a break for it.] Okay, hold on tight - you big fucking pussy. [It's about 20 feet to the ground and Archer jumps over the edge of the platform, landing on his feet - and is immediately pelted by rocks the natives throw.]

[mistconduct]

What'd you call me?!

[Chris hugs the stick and Archer's shoulder, giving a yelp first at the fall and then when he's smacked in the shoulder with a rock]

Oh, shit. Oh shit, they're pissed.