007 ♐ Video ♐ Why would you wish that on me? I never want to act my age

[codename_duchess]

Okay idiot, here's what the rest of these assholes are getting from me.

Get Rogue a pair of Fiocci leather and lace gloves. Opera-length. I'm pretty sure I saw some in Lana's lingerie catalogue awhile back. Nathan needs a watch, so something decent by Omega would be good. Aeryn gets really good laser tag equipment so she can teach me to go all Halo the way she learned. And speaking of equipment, phrasing boom, get Iris a kickass sound system and a shit-ton of colored lights plus a disco ball and fog machine. If you could do something magic and cool for Morgana that'd be great -- like, shit, I don't know. The Monster Book of Monsters or something. And for Raven, give her a wardrobe filled with costumes for different people from different historical eras. Including future ones because where the shit are you steering us next, dumbass? She has to freaking blend in!

Catra gets a ton of fine jewelry and maybe, like, a new stripper outfit. Um. Loki's Norse, so… two pet ravens? For Cassel… get Cassel a literal pair of rose-colored glasses. Preferably worn by John Lennon. Oh! And get Scott a jersey worn by his favorite lacrosse player. Chris the new King of the Robots can have a tiny R2D2. All beeping and wheeling around on the floor behind him -- God, that's freaking adorable. Now I want one.

Get that idiot Bond a copy of Krieger's hologram girlfriend. Make sure she follows him around. And that zombie dick? Give him one of those stupid My Little Pony things. Make it fall apart if he touches it. ETA: As for that weird cannibal freakshow, get him an appropriate anatomical image.

For everyone else, just give them a bottle of Glengoolie blue. Oh, except for the kids. They can have -- shit, chocolate milk or whatever the hell it is kids drink.

SNOWBALL FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

[The feed captures the CES, snowy, hilly, and covered in pine forests. The place is a regular winter wonderland: in fact it's Gstaad, Switzerland, a ski resort with the chateau and lift stripped away. A series of snowballs, thrown rapid-fire against the trunk of a pine tree, explode into icy powder as Archer laughs.] Yes! Still pitching like the world's manliest top!

So I've been waiting to say this since I was, like, three. I AM DECLARING WAR ON THE CITIZENS OF THIS DIMENSION.

Okay, here's what we're doing. SNOWBALL WAR IN THE CES, BITCHES. Grab your friends, grab your warden, and grab a handful of snow and try to kick some ass. Bring it home like it's Pizza Hut, guys, or the fight's coming to the halls. The winners get everlasting glory and valor! The losers get mocked into oblivion!

And, seriously. Like half you assholes don't want to see me lose.

Which I won't. Because, uh, duh.

[There's a slight pause in which that line of thought ends, giving the feed an uninterrupted and rather pretty alpine winter image. Then it blurs as he takes off running somewhere, catching his voice as he darts off:]

SCOTT'S ON MY TEAM!

Comments

[ichoosefight]

I introduced myself to you by teasing you about Thanksgiving. I'm kinda more into guys my own age group.

[codename_duchess]

And then accusing me of hitting on you. And then telling me that you were old enough to have sex with me.

Yeah, you're not acting crazy or desperate at all.

[ichoosefight]

Crazy I will cop to. Desperate? That's just wishful thinking.

[codename_duchess]

...because I so want to get sexually harassed by an ugly shithead?

[ichoosefight]

Apparently. I mean, I try not to judge, but that's just weird, Archer.

[codename_duchess]

And what does that say about the ugly shithead who keeps hungering after the erection she's incapable of giving anyone?

[ichoosefight]

Actually, I think it says more about the obnoxious douchebag who's clearly spent some time building this grossly inaccurate mental image.

[codename_duchess]

Based on being sexually harassed by a child? Yeah. Totally inaccurate.

[ichoosefight]

So your response to an honest question about your world's legal standards is to call a teenage girl a slut? Damn, I really hope you get ice shoved in your face. Repeatedly.

[codename_duchess]

Do you SERIOUSLY think that suggesting a guy your DAD'S AGE wants to fuck you and then laughing about it isn't, um, I don't know, SEXUAL HARASSMENT?

[ichoosefight]

Do you seriously think that my concern for the wellfare of children has anything to do with your sexual activities? For Christ's sake, I wasn't even fourteen when I learned men couldn't be trusted. But no, god forbid everything isn't always about you!

[codename_duchess]

I seriously think you think it's funny to go around accusing people of RAPING CHILDREN, because that's what you did! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

[ichoosefight]

What the fuck is wrong with you? I never accused you of anything, and I sure as hell don't think it's funny!

cw: discussion of rape

[codename_duchess]

You accused me of flirting with you and trying to get into your pants. You said you hoped there were ridiculously low age of consent laws where I live, because you projected your pedophiliac rape fantasies on, SPOILER ALERT, A RAPE SURVIVOR.

I really don't say this much, but... you are a horrible human being.

[ichoosefight]

Are you-!!

[ She stops, mid-sentence, and doesn't even bother to close her mouth for an uncomfortably long moment.

Finally she closes it, and glares at something off screen. ]

I'm sorry. I didn't know. And that's the opposite of what I meant about consent laws.

[ And then, in a very sad and quiet attempt to be reconciliatory... ]

I wish I had the chance to break the neck of the man who tried to rape me.

[codename_duchess]

YES, IDIOT, I AM.

[And that's... the most uncomfortable thing he's ever admitted over the Network so there's just kind of an awkward pause wherein most of the rage dissipates into just sort of.

Glum resignation.]

Did he get caught?

[ichoosefight]

[ She is pretty sure that's the most uncomfortable set of things anyone has ever admitted over the network. ]

I think my dad had him killed, but I don't know. I looked him up years later. There were some mysterious circumstances. But I'm probably wrong, Dad never gave a damn about me or mom or he would never have made that bastard my babysitter.

[codename_duchess]

Oh. Well, good. That he's dead, I mean. Not about your dad.

[He actually sounds like a worse parent than Malory, and that's saying something.]

...I hope he didn't actually do it.

[ichoosefight]

I don't know what I hope.

[ Her tone remains apologetic, with a hint of defeat. ]

Look, I've been... really messed up. I made a mistake, and a lot of people died, and I don't even know how long it took Sionis to kill me, and there's nobody around I can talk to so I guess I've just been... trying to start fights, or something stupid. You're right, I'm a horrible human being and an idiot and the world is better off without me. I'll leave you alone from now on.

[ private ]

[lastincident]

Stephanie.

Why don't you come down to my cabin for dinner?

[ And a talk. ]

[ private ]

[ichoosefight]

Skip the dishwashing, I'm not hungry.

[ But she kinda figures she's busted, so she'll come. ]

[Private]

[la_belle_rogue]

Sterling? [She's very very concerned right now, but she's also being very careful.]

Ya need anythin' here?

[Private]

[codename_duchess]

A restraining order and a snowblower?

[Private]

[la_belle_rogue]

Ya want her ta stay away from ya, Ah can talk ta her warden. Make sure that's what happens. What's the snowblower for?

[Private]

[codename_duchess]

Fine. Seriously, I think there's something wrong with her. Someone should do something about that. [For Archer, this is great concern.]

That's for annihilating the other team, duh.