008 ♐ Video ♐ If you don't answer I'll just ring it off the wall

[codename_duchess]

Oh my God, it's like one of those random video chat sites. Any moment now, some dude in a trailer park is going to pop up -- phrasing, boom -- and start jacking off.

Hey. So, Sterling Archer here, ISIS agent, checking in from the worst way station. Anyone out there? Who is preferably not an idiot from work? Before replying, please check that you are A. Interesting. B. Hot, C. Funny, or D. All of the above.

And before you ask, no, this is not a voicemail. …Videomail. Shit, video answering service? Whatever you call it, it's not one of those.

Comments

[codename_duchess]

Well you should -- wait, should you be? She was the one being an asshole.

[Not, of course, that he wasn't; and not that he doesn't understand why she was acting like that. He did the same thing at her age (and many ages beyond). Archer's not quite condemning her, though he's still irritated she accidentally touched a fresh wound.]

[ichoosefight]

I dunno. I feel responsible. After what happened, I kinda let everyone think I was dead. For a year. And I spent so much time trying to make up for everything that went wrong that I only made things worse.

I imagine she's doing the same thing. Only, you know, being actually dead.

[97percent]

[The face on-screen startles, hands flying off her keyboard in the middle of work, and leans in to gape at the message. She hisses urgently over her shoulder to an unknown third party.]

I think we have a virus, Mma.

And what are you doing in our confidential files?

[codename_duchess]

Oh, for -- I am not a virus!

And I don't know, lady, I have no clue who you are!

[97percent]

[She opens her mouth for a retort, but pauses for a moment, stewing, clearly waiting for somebody who doesn't appear behind her.]

You- of course, you wouldn't. [She knows one white man in the entire country, a man with thirty years on her intruder.]

And if you're from the dating site, we no longer need your services. We found the husband we were looking for. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

[madeofplants]

What... is the purpose... of this message?

[ The lump of plant mass speaks with a voice like a tree, slow and creaking. ]

[this_corrosion]

All of the above!

Not going to jack off for you, sorry to disappoint.

[anythingiwant]

[What an idiot.]

Y'know you're just beggin' ta get harrassed like that.

[codename_duchess]

And you're just begging for shut the fuck up Rogue.

[codename_duchess]

Can I get a chick in here to measure hotness? The rest of the stuff I'll decide for myself.

[codename_duchess]

Oh my God.

Holy shit.

Are you who I think you are, or are you a baby Ent?

[codename_duchess]

What, are you kidding? Sterling Archer does not need to use dating websites. Seriously offended you even thought that.

[codename_duchess]

So? That's what you do when shit happens. Leave and let everyone think you died or vanished.

[ichoosefight]

[ ... ]

You... don't really care much about how your friends feel, do you.

[codename_duchess]

How who feels?

[madeofplants]

I am... no Ent. I do not know... who you think... I am.

[ichoosefight]

The people who care about you. The people who would mourn for you. The people who's lives would never really be the same again if you died.

[codename_duchess]

Yeah. Um, I really don't have time to worry about how imaginary people feel.

[ichoosefight]

Oh.

[ Well. Now she just feels bad. She would say there has to be someone, but she's been on the barge. She knows there are people who really, truly don't have anyone. ]

Then I guess... I'm sorry because I know how much pain she's in right now, and I know she would be sorry if she wasn't hurting so much.

[codename_duchess]

Are you sure? Maybe you're like a neo-Ent specially adapted to a semi-aquatic environment! Except - wait, no, we'd probably have to stick you in an Entmoot to see if you fit in. And that'd take years. So.

[madeofplants]

I do not... understand. Why... are you here?

[ You are a face in a pond, bro. It's kinda weird. ]

[codename_duchess]

[Well, there's Lana, and that friendship also involves hurtful insults and shooting Archer three times. And there was Luke Troy, the one responsible for Archer's new sensitivity about assault jokes.]

So... are you saying this was about her?

[codename_duchess]

Obviously to spread around the awesomeness! Duh!

[ichoosefight]

Let me put it this way: When my dad died and I wanted to talk to someone who knew him, I ended up beating the Riddler to a bloody pulp. Sometimes the thought to action filter gets a little bit borked.

[codename_duchess]

What are you talking about? That's totally normal! Everyone ends up beating the shit out of someone when they're hurt!