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codename_duchessOh my God, it's like one of those random video chat sites. Any moment now, some dude in a trailer park is going to pop up -- phrasing, boom -- and start jacking off.
Hey. So, Sterling Archer here, ISIS agent, checking in from the worst way station. Anyone out there? Who is preferably not an idiot from work? Before replying, please check that you are A. Interesting. B. Hot, C. Funny, or D. All of the above.
And before you ask, no, this is not a voicemail. …Videomail. Shit, video answering service? Whatever you call it, it's not one of those.
Hey. So, Sterling Archer here, ISIS agent, checking in from the worst way station. Anyone out there? Who is preferably not an idiot from work? Before replying, please check that you are A. Interesting. B. Hot, C. Funny, or D. All of the above.
And before you ask, no, this is not a voicemail. …Videomail. Shit, video answering service? Whatever you call it, it's not one of those.
Big Steph
Date: 2014-01-09 04:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 04:57 pm (UTC)Where would you be calling from, exactly? Only that's definitely not the ISIS extension.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 04:59 pm (UTC)And you could've tried leading with the puns the first time. Now it's a little late.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:09 pm (UTC)I could tell you, but then I'd have to wipe your memory and kill you. Just enjoy the moment, Agent Archer. Tell me about this boat?
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:14 pm (UTC)Oh my god. It's finally happened. There's an alternate universe me. Score! [ Insert fist pump here. ]
Wait, why were you arguing?
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:17 pm (UTC)What about it? It's a boat. A magic spaceboat filled with crazy people.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:23 pm (UTC)Because you said I wanted to bang you! And you're a kid and you're teeny and just -- no. Ew.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 05:33 pm (UTC)There's a purple mini car behind her, and when the camera tilts there's also a garage door. It opens, the floor rises, and the tiniest bit of sun shines through. A moment later she closes it and the camera is pointed straight again. ]
I'm twenty-one, and married. How old is this other me, exactly?
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 06:18 pm (UTC)[Have a smile that makes strong man cringe and a face like a crumbling cement wall.]
I'd have remembered a face like yours. The barge's time must be nearly even with mine this time.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:25 pm (UTC)You're seventeen and you're all messed up.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:27 pm (UTC)And I take it you used to live here.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:27 pm (UTC)[ That kind of makes sense, she had a baby not too long ago, and things have been weird at schoo--- ]
Oh god. She's not... Is she an inmate?
[ Then there was that other thing that happened when she was seventeen. ]
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:35 pm (UTC)Christ. Okay. Wow. Does she have a warden? Because if she just went through what I think she just went through she really needs to not be alone right now. And preferably for the next several months.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:44 pm (UTC)There's someone named Dean here, yeah. I don't know a Babs.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:50 pm (UTC)You should probably tell this stuff to them. I seriously doubt she'll be talking to me anytime soon.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:52 pm (UTC)[ OKAY SO MAYBE SOMETIMES HER JOKES ARE LAME. SHE'S STILL FUNNY!!!! ]
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 08:57 pm (UTC)[There's an awkward pause, and then, he continues in private:]
She kind of only let up when she found out we had some shit in common. The kind of shit I don't want to talk about.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-09 09:02 pm (UTC)Dammit. I'm sorry. I mean, I know I can't really apologize for her, but still.