007 ♐ Video ♐ Why would you wish that on me? I never want to act my age

[codename_duchess]

Okay idiot, here's what the rest of these assholes are getting from me.

Get Rogue a pair of Fiocci leather and lace gloves. Opera-length. I'm pretty sure I saw some in Lana's lingerie catalogue awhile back. Nathan needs a watch, so something decent by Omega would be good. Aeryn gets really good laser tag equipment so she can teach me to go all Halo the way she learned. And speaking of equipment, phrasing boom, get Iris a kickass sound system and a shit-ton of colored lights plus a disco ball and fog machine. If you could do something magic and cool for Morgana that'd be great -- like, shit, I don't know. The Monster Book of Monsters or something. And for Raven, give her a wardrobe filled with costumes for different people from different historical eras. Including future ones because where the shit are you steering us next, dumbass? She has to freaking blend in!

Catra gets a ton of fine jewelry and maybe, like, a new stripper outfit. Um. Loki's Norse, so… two pet ravens? For Cassel… get Cassel a literal pair of rose-colored glasses. Preferably worn by John Lennon. Oh! And get Scott a jersey worn by his favorite lacrosse player. Chris the new King of the Robots can have a tiny R2D2. All beeping and wheeling around on the floor behind him -- God, that's freaking adorable. Now I want one.

Get that idiot Bond a copy of Krieger's hologram girlfriend. Make sure she follows him around. And that zombie dick? Give him one of those stupid My Little Pony things. Make it fall apart if he touches it. ETA: As for that weird cannibal freakshow, get him an appropriate anatomical image.

For everyone else, just give them a bottle of Glengoolie blue. Oh, except for the kids. They can have -- shit, chocolate milk or whatever the hell it is kids drink.

SNOWBALL FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

[The feed captures the CES, snowy, hilly, and covered in pine forests. The place is a regular winter wonderland: in fact it's Gstaad, Switzerland, a ski resort with the chateau and lift stripped away. A series of snowballs, thrown rapid-fire against the trunk of a pine tree, explode into icy powder as Archer laughs.] Yes! Still pitching like the world's manliest top!

So I've been waiting to say this since I was, like, three. I AM DECLARING WAR ON THE CITIZENS OF THIS DIMENSION.

Okay, here's what we're doing. SNOWBALL WAR IN THE CES, BITCHES. Grab your friends, grab your warden, and grab a handful of snow and try to kick some ass. Bring it home like it's Pizza Hut, guys, or the fight's coming to the halls. The winners get everlasting glory and valor! The losers get mocked into oblivion!

And, seriously. Like half you assholes don't want to see me lose.

Which I won't. Because, uh, duh.

[There's a slight pause in which that line of thought ends, giving the feed an uninterrupted and rather pretty alpine winter image. Then it blurs as he takes off running somewhere, catching his voice as he darts off:]

SCOTT'S ON MY TEAM!

Comments

[codename_duchess]

Oh my God, I seriously don't care. Just like I don't care about you and your babbling about how you're old enough to have sex with me.

[ichoosefight]

With you? Don't make me vomit. Nobody is that old.

[codename_duchess]

...Wow.

You really suck at wit. Seriously, if you're going to insult me? Pick something that's actually accurate.

[ichoosefight]

It takes an old soul to sleep with someone as obnoxious as you.

[codename_duchess]

That's... really more of a compliment to my sex partners than it is an insult.

[ichoosefight]

I don't envy them, and that's the truth.

[codename_duchess]

Which is why you... introduced yourself to me by talking about having sex?

[ichoosefight]

I introduced myself to you by teasing you about Thanksgiving. I'm kinda more into guys my own age group.

[codename_duchess]

And then accusing me of hitting on you. And then telling me that you were old enough to have sex with me.

Yeah, you're not acting crazy or desperate at all.

[ichoosefight]

Crazy I will cop to. Desperate? That's just wishful thinking.

[codename_duchess]

...because I so want to get sexually harassed by an ugly shithead?

[ichoosefight]

Apparently. I mean, I try not to judge, but that's just weird, Archer.

[codename_duchess]

And what does that say about the ugly shithead who keeps hungering after the erection she's incapable of giving anyone?

[ichoosefight]

Actually, I think it says more about the obnoxious douchebag who's clearly spent some time building this grossly inaccurate mental image.

[codename_duchess]

Based on being sexually harassed by a child? Yeah. Totally inaccurate.

[fire_punk]

When I get there, you're eating snow. [Stop talking like that to his girlfriend!]

[codename_duchess]

Great! Bring maple syrup stuff, we can do snow cones.

[fire_punk]

Sorry. I meant you'll be choking on snow if you keep talking to her like that.

[codename_duchess]

Um, kid? Maybe wait until you go through puberty and can actually do something about it. Until then, you should probably be talking to her.

[fire_punk]

Fuck. You.

[ichoosefight]

[ That defeated tone from her conversation with Archer makes its way to Kevin as well. ]

Leave him alone, Kevin. This one's on me.

[fire_punk]

He shouldn't be talking to you like that.

[ichoosefight]

He has every right. I started it.

[fire_punk]

He's still a dick.

[ichoosefight]

Yeah, well so am I, and you get along well enough with me.