003 ♐ Video ♐ Give me a Boo, give me a B, give me an S

[codename_duchess]

[CW: Discussion of cancer]

[Guess what has two thumbs and is awake, Barge? And guess what’s also reasonably unperturbed by falling into a Barge coma? THIS GUY.]

So in case some of you idiots didn’t know, it’s October, which means in addition to pumpkin spice lattes and slutty Halloween costumes sold on every corner, it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month. [Archer holds up a little pink ribbon; there’s another one pinned to the lapel of his suit.] Nobody should have to go through this disease, because except for the medical marijuana it freaking sucks. So show some support, guys, wear a ribbon. And if you haven’t gotten checked lately, run through the self-exam or hit up the doctors in the infirmary. I’m sure they’d be happy to help. [It says something about how serious he is that he doesn’t make any jokes about this. Not even a crack about mammograms.]

And speaking of slutty Halloween costumes, who’s throwing the party? Is it BYOB?

[Private; Rogue]
Uh, pub?

Pub.

Comments

[lastrat]

I often do.

[If he was nice, he'd point out that he was an inmate but...James isn't that nice.]

[codename_duchess]

Right. I hear there are advantages like that to having a vagina.

[lastrat]

Says the man who had breast cancer.

[codename_duchess]

Oh very mature, Bond! Laugh at the cancer survivor!

[That's a good line to hang up on, right? Well it'll have to do. Archer just doesn't have the time to talk, it's absolutely urgent that he hunt down Bond and kick his ass.]

[lastrat]

[Oh he is definitely chuckling, and COMPLETELY UNCONCERNED as he heads for the mess hall, on his way to meet Vesper. He's not really sure why Archer hates him, but. He also doesn't care that much.]

[codename_duchess]

[FOR BEING A FREAKING STEREOTYPE THAT'S WHY. And maybe he should be a little bit concerned. Archer may be a motormouthed asshole with the discretion of a drunk elephant, but he knows how to fight. As he will fully demonstrate as he approaches Bond right in the middle of the mess.]

Hey, Double-Oh Douchebag!

[lastrat]

[This round will prooooobably go badly for Bond, just wait till his shoulder is less fucked up! He's just sat down with Vesper, his tray in front of him, when he hears Archer. And grimaces. And gives Vesper a look that is somehow 'why me,' 'I didn't do anything,' and 'hold my flower.'

Bond stands and turns, though, and he has a perfected Unimpressed face on.]

Very clever.

[bitteraftertaste]

[And Vesper is just. Letting out the heaviest of sighs, and wondering how this is her life now.]

Is there something we can help you with?

[codename_duchess]

Look who's talking!

[Vesper barely warrants a glance; all Archer's attention is focused on Bond now. As well as his anger, and now, the first punch for the face.]

[lastrat]

[He knows it's coming just from the angry stance, so he throws himself backwards to dodge, both hands hitting the table. He doesn't pull his punches - or his kicks,as it were, since it's his leg he's lifting to slam down at Archer's knee.]

[bitteraftertaste]

[Vesper jumps up, chair legs screeching across the floor. It's an instinctual reaction, to put space between herself and the fight, but she doesn't exactly know what to do next. She can't separate them - they've both got several inches and not an insignificant amount of weight on her - and it's not like she can take Archer out herself, even if she's had more experience in self defense techniques recently, but it's not like she's planning on running away.]

What the hell are you doing? [And for the record, it's directed at both of them, even though she knows that they're probably not going to listen at all.] Both of you, stop!

[codename_duchess]

[To Archer's credit, one social grace he does observe: moving a fight away from an innocent person. He is the perfect gentleman, though too single-minded to answer Vesper's question.

When Bond kicks he draws back and pivots to lean on his other knee, crooking it to lower his center of gravity. One hand goes up to defend his face as the other catches Bond by the foot, wrenching his shin upward.]

[lastrat]

[With his foot caught, there are only so many options. He doesn't spare a glance behind him, doesn't want to give Archer that opening, but he's intent on moving the fight away from her, too. Shoving off the table, he slams his weight onto his raised foot, into Archer's hand, twisting to the side his weight is on to unbalance him.

His arm snakes out, too, but not to punch Archer - to weave under his guard and catch his chin.]

[codename_duchess]

[Bond moves off the table, Archer moves. He's already moving from the hips to shift his weight again, which unfortunately makes the task of forcing his shin aside very difficult. He still forces Bond's leg upward but it doesn't damage his knee, only deflects the kick enough to glance it off the side of Archer's head.

He's got the advantage of height on Archer now, although with their respective fighting styles that may not mean much. He's also got Archer practically kneeling in front of him, gripping one leg with his head resting against Bond's thigh, and this is far more disturbing in Archer's mind.]

Did you plan this?!

[lastrat]

[Systema taught him to redirect movement, to apply force with very little effort. Getting Archer down was half the battle, but he's still off balance, trying to twist his leg free without compromising his shoulder.

The question earns a brief grimace, and bond shoves the flat of his hand against Archer's face, pushing and throwing his weight down to pin the other man.]

Talented though I'm sure you are, I'm not interested.

[codename_duchess]

[Krav maga's taught Archer to fight on the ground, and he intends to drag both of them down. There's no way he's letting go of Bond's ankle even as that hand forces him back; he loops his free arm under Bond's knee and twists with the force of the blow, pulling them both away from the table. They're at least both falling hard, with the pressure on Bond's joints if he has any say in it.

Once on the ground he twists underneath the other man, still holding onto his knee. He slams an elbow back at him with a chuckle.]

It's just not your lucky day.

[lastrat]

[Bond grunts with the strain, again with the elbow. It almost winds him, but he twists; systema has informed his style, but MI6 would be remiss if they let him in the field with one style to rely on. He grabs for Archer's arm, winds his around it to keep them locked in tight, and throws a hard punch at Archer's jaw.]

Could be worse, [he pants. He's holding Archer's arm with his right, and already feeling the strain in his shoulder. He throws another jab.] I could have breast cancer.

[codename_duchess]

[He hears that panting and realizes that the tight hold is straining Bond, immediately pulling back and continuing to turn. A little extra pain, that's all he needs, and then he can pin the other man.

Archer growls in rage, literally gnashing his teeth, and it's hard to say whether it's over the punch or the insult.]

I almost wish you did! [Almost. That makes it okay to say, right? Right.]

[lastrat]

That's harsh. [He grunts with the twist, knows the pin is coming and like hell he's about to allow that to happen. The pain in his knee is growing, matching the pain in his shoulder, but he's scrambling for purchase to keep Archer from rolling him. He's losing the upper hand, he already knows that.

His balance starts to slip, and he lets go of Archer's arm - he couldn't hold on much longer anyway - and grabs for the lapel of his jacket, jamming his left hand into a nerve cluster near Archer's collarbone.]

[codename_duchess]

Okay you're right, that was out of line. But you should have - a little more - sympathy! [Each pause is punctuated by a pull to Bond's arm or knee, straining them both further. He will walk out of this fight top dog.

Or so he's certain until Bond hits the nerve cluster and he feels the impact throughout his body. It's not enough to knock him back down or break his grip, but it weakens.]

Goddammit, Bond!

[lastrat]

Fff-- [It's the last pull that does it, and James has to clench his jaw when he ears a quiet pop next to his ear. His right shoulder dislocates, and he can feel the strength leave his hand almost before the pain really sets in.

He doesn't howl. If he can get through having his balls crushed without screaming right away, this certainly won't make him yell. It still bloody hurts, makes him a little more wild as his back hits the floor, leg still caught, and the very first thing he does when he has leverage is hammer his fist at Archer's jaw again.

He's done trading witticisms; he's too busy saving his breath, fighting harder because he knows he's in a bad position. He pulls his hand back for another punch, trying to get his other leg into a position that will help him trunk and roll Archer.]

[la_belle_rogue]

[It's at this point that she arrives. And when she does, she's a self-contained storm of irritation. She does not need this today or any other day. And if Archer was going to act like a five year old, kicking up a fuss and getting into school yard-esque fights, then by god, she would treat him like one.]

STERLING MALORY ARCHER!

[She bellows his full name, doing a very good angry mother impression, standing with her hands on her hips only a few feet away from where the men brawled.]

What in Gawd's name d'ya think you're doing?!

[codename_duchess]

[With both his hands occupied the only way to take the punch is let his head roll with the impact. This means his options for retaliation are limited and he loosens his grip on the bad arm while butting his forehead down against Bond's. This fight is almost his and he can feel the childlike glee of victory rising: he is kicking James Bond's ass. It's a boyhood dream come true.

Until that maternal yell.]

Um. Duh and/or hello?

[lastrat]

[He sees the headbutt coming and jerks back - not enough to avoid a broken nose, but he's well aware how a good Glasgow kiss can knock a man out. There's blood in his mouth, staining his teeth when he grits them.

Rogue's yell comes at a perfect time, though even James pauses when he hears it. Turning, he spits blood on the floor, eyebrows raising in an incredibly judgmental look at the other agent.]

Your middle name is Malory?

[And with the important things out of the way, he grabs the front of Archer's shirt with his good arm and yanks as hard as he can to the side, hoping he's distracted enough to let go of his leg and fall back.]

[codename_duchess]

[There's a crunch of cartilage, an immensely satisfying sound, and Archer follows it up with a laugh. Prematurely, because while the sight of Bond spitting blood on the floor is worth being yelled at, that question wipes the smile right off Archer's face.]

Yes, asshole, it is!

[He lets go of the leg but doesn't entirely lose his balance, and doesn't lose his grip on the bad arm either. If he's going down, and he has no intention of letting that happening, he's doing a little more damage first.]